Bullied

Nothing breaks your heart faster than hearing your child basically tell you she is being bullied at school. To be a mother is to walk around with your heart outside of your body. I haven't felt the extreme of that in awhile.

We were on our way to school after a particularly difficult morning. When looking in the rear view mirror I caught my daughter's eye after she had been staring out the window and saw some of the saddest eyes I've seen in a long time.

"What's up sweetie?"
*sigh* "Nothing, it's just that I don't have that many friends."
"Why not?"
"They all say they don't want to be my friend and say mean things."
"What do they say?"
"They say not nice words and tell me they don't like my haircut, backpack and sometimes my clothes."

At this point my heart is breaking for her, I know exactly how she feels. It was my path through school as well and I don't want it to be hers. I almost don't want to know more but I have to ask.

"What kind of not nice words do they say? I won't be upset, I just want to know what they are saying to you."
"They call me Long legs(like the spider) and Dinosaur."

Ok yea, we have all been called worse, but this is happening frequently with her. Not all the same kids which tells me that somehow she has inherited the target from her mom. It breaks my heart that she is already being faced with being bullied. My daughter is six! It's disgusting that her pleasure in school, which needs to be a safe place is being ruined by kids who think its funny to laugh at someone else's expense. Now don't get me wrong, our whole family is sarcastic, but these kids are just being downright mean. They pick on her on the bus and at recess and tell her friends mean things about her by whispering them in the ears of her other friends. You see, my girl doesn't quite fit in at school for one obvious reason. She attends school in an area that is predominately Hispanic. Don't get me wrong I have no issues with them, but their are differences. They tend to be on the shorter side in comparison. My daughter is the tallest in her grade most likely and has dirty blonde hair and bright blue eyes, and she is all leg, cute as can be! But because she is so different it opens her up to be a target.

Hearing about what she is going through at school, a lot of things are beginning to fall into place regarding her recent behavior at home. She has had a lot of change in recent months but I think the bullying is impacting her the most. It breaks my heart because I am powerless to stop it. I spoke with the principal who is going to further investigate and we told the teacher so that they can be watching out for her, but the truth is, it happens. It will happens lot! How do I give her the tools to stand up for herself and not become a target at every school she goes to? I certainly don't have them. I was tormented most of my school years and it left scars that I am still trying to repair and I am going to be 31 next week!

It has been dragging up some difficult memories from me during my childhood years. Kids are mean. I wish there was more I could do to change it....but there is only so much mommy can do for her because sometimes that would make it even worse!

Looking back over my blog and beginning to wonder why I opened it up to make public. It isn't like anyone will actually read it!

I have lots of stories to tell...if only I could remember them!

I decided I wanted to open this blog up and make it anonymous but public just to try my hand at this blogging concept, so I have been keeping my eye out for events and stories that would be worth blogging about. I have found that many times a day things occur that would make amusing stories to share about my life. Trouble is, I forget them by the time I have any down time to write about it! So until they come back to me let me share a funny story from my kiddos from a few years back.

We were on our way to dinner a couple years ago, back when we had some money to go out, when our Drama Queen wrinkles her nose up and asks quite loudly, "What's that smell?!"

Without missing a beat our little Commander in Chief says calmly and amazingly clearly, "My butt."

My husband and I looked at each other and just busted up laughing. What else is a parent to do when you see your kids are growing up to be just like you?!

Mommy of the year! Hah! Not!

The other day sucked, not even sure I remember why, only that I went out with a final mommy fail for the history books. I was so tired and exhausted and run down that I didn't care what was for dinner. I didn't even have the energy for PB & J. So what did I do? Off I went to the grocery store, cuz no one can really afford to eat out anymore, and what did I find? The ultimate in parent lazy dinners. Uncrustables. Yes, people, my family had frozen PB &J sandwiches that some factory had already removed the crust from and sealed into a plastic bag. The worst part of this whole thing? The girls absolutely loved it! Really?! I give up. Bring on the uncrustables!

Birthing of the nicknames

My husband I refer to as my Redneck Knight in shining armor. I call him that pretty much every time he saves my sorry ass from some crazy as conundrum that I've managed to get myself into. He may end up being shortened still further to RK at some point because, let's face it, I'm REALLY lazy! And yet I harp on my students about not using texting lingo and yet here I am doing the same. However, in my own teacher defense, I know when it is acceptable to use such versus turning in an English paper written so much in text that I couldn't even read it! Yea, that poor boy rewrote that paper!

My oldest daughter earned the nickname Princess Bubbles when she was born. Long story short, we found the name Bubbles in a baby name book as a possible girls name. To which my response was, "what were they smoking when they were collecting these names and putting them together?!" Along with a brief, "and where can I find some?!" So anyways it became the running joke for the remainder of the pregnancy. Flash forward to her birth day, right as I'm delivering her, someone happened to look down just after her head had cleared before the rest of her was born and she had this massive snot bubble coming out of her nose! So after she was born we kept referring her to Princess and still laughing about Bubbles. W never gave the nurse her name. So the nurse took it upon herself and on her little name plate for the hospital I-want-to-be-a-crib the nurse wrote down Princess Bubbles. Hey, I'm sure they have heard of worse right? So that is how Princess Bubbles came to be. Although recently she has turned into quite a gremlin lately, especially when trying to get her to do her homework so I'm thinking of referring to her as The Drama Queen!! TDQ. I shall likely use them interchangeably.

My now middle daughter has always marched to the beat of her own drummer. If she follows someone's example it is because she chose to or because she feels no need to please everyone(thank God for that, except when she decides she doesn't want to do what I have asked. ) On a camping trip a few years back she decided she was walking back to the beach with her toys and told my oldest to come too, and she did!! We let them walk almost out of sight and sure enough my middle kiddo is dictating how fast, which direction, and what toys to discuss along the way! We call her our Commander In Chief...unless we are referring to her as The Destroyer, which, of course, really needs no explanation!

My son has been bigger than his twin sister for their entire lives so far. So for quite some time I have been calling him my Chunky Monkey but have tried to cut off on the chunky part and just call him Monkey so he won't develop a complex when he is older. Who am I kidding, with me as their mom they will likely have many.

And last but certainly not least, my youngest twin, bugs out and crosses her eyes. It is SOOO cute! Hence the nickname bug. It was either that or Piglet because every time she gets upset she starts to snort. But again, we didn't want to give her a complex as well.

To blog or not to blog

I have recently discovered some blogs that I have completely fallen in love with. Some are more popular than others. But it has gotten me thinking. Some people actually blog and get paid for it right? How cool would that be. But it makes me wonder, is my life worth having anyone read about it? Not much exciting happens here. We are ALWAYS busy but I'm not sure that is equivalent to interesting. That and I seem to have a fear of commitment! I started this blog last November and didn't stick with it either. And I have no excuse! I was on bed rest from the 13th week on with the twins! Of course during most of that time I sat around and worried about the babies and drove myself crazy watching Dora with my then three year old. If my daughter didn't answer one of Dora's questions I felt this insane necessity to answer simply so we wouldn't have dead expectant air.

I love to write, but lets face it, I get distracted by anything and EVERYTHING! I would like to become a blogger but I'm not sure it will happen. Maybe I will start with reading a few others still and writing a little more often on my own. After all, I have three! This one which allows me to be a bit more honest because it is anonymous, one that is locked up which serves as a place for the really bad thoughts and reflections, and a family one to keep extended family updated on our lives, not that I update that one either! I usually just post a bunch of pictures! Maybe I will turn it into a photo blog or something.

Random thought, write about nicknames and how they earned them.

8/27/12

The first 2/3 of my day was awesome! I felt confident and good about myself. I went for my six week postpartum check up, had to wait awhile to be seen, which is common, but what do you expect, it is a dr! I have only lost two additional pounds since last month when I had my two week post-op checkup. Although I can't exactly expect to see a fifty pound loss at every visit. That is kind of a one time after pregnancy confidence booster. Swung through the Verizon store for a moment to check out the phone I want to get for The Redneck Knight and then had lunch by myself. After that I headed back to the house. I was fine for a bit and then almost for no reason at all the late afternoon and early evening just SUCKED! No idea why! Yes, the kiddos were fussy but not for long and it was because they were hungry. But for whatever reason I felt completely overwhelmed about nothing and it seemed like it didn't matter how simple the issue I just couldn't handle it!

Bless my husband who saw the warning signs and sent me off by myself, again, to gather myself with some time away room the kids. Wasn't what I did for most of the day? Oy. I don't get it! It helped, but it makes me lonely because I didn't get much time with my husband today.

Other changes in life, we are talking about having Our Magic Fairy move in with us for the next several months. Her lease is up at the end of September and it would be a way for us all to save some money every month that we can put away towards getting the heck out of this town! I think it will take some reorganizing and me getting rid of a lot of stuff I really don't NEED, and figuring out how to establish boundaries for everyone so that we don't drive everyone insane ;) We shall see what happens!

Alright, time to wake the babies and feed them so we can all get some sleep! ;)

Awakening August 23rd, 2012

This evening I had a really good chat with two different friends tonight. Apparently my counseling skills have re-awoken within me. It honestly felt really good. I felt like for the first time in a very long time I was able to offer something to someone else rather than taking from others because we have nothing left of ourselves to give. I had forgotten how much I get from the conversations I partake in that allow me to offer new perspective or new light onto something that they themselves are wrestling with. I feel almost like my old self! Which old self that is I am not sure.

She and I really do have a different kind of relationship than most people realize or even have the potential to understand. I have been having a hard time with her in recent months. Mostly because at the end of the day, as generous as she is, on some level deep down I am disgustingly jealous of the fact that she will probably never have to hold down a real job in order to make the bills. My RK and I fight so hard everyday just for what we are scraping by with and it angers me that we can't ever catch a break. I think deep down I begin to resent her life of financial surplus. I do not envy her path in life. She has a long road ahead. I realize that I tend to defend her to others when they start to rag on things that make them not like her as a person. The truth is, all of those things are very real, and quite obnoxious but at the end of the day, that isn't who she is as much as it is her past that she is trying hard to overcome. With clearer eyes I really do see her as my obnoxious younger sister in need of some hard core maturing. But I also see growth that others don't see. I'm sorry, but it is not in my nature to give up on people, even though sometimes I still come back to the wondering of whether I should or not.

My other friend and I have become so much closer since she began teaching with me in my classroom last year. It is hard to believe that a practical stranger who happened to be my co-worker has become such a dear friend to my entire family. She is dating My RK's best friend as well as has become one of my closest friends as of late. It is a much more equal relationship. We have different advice to offer each other at different times and it feels as though
Falling asleep! Finish later!

Never did go back to finish and not even sure what thought I was trying to go back to. Oh well!

Mom, who were you?

I only know what has been after...what was before? Who were you? What kind of mother were you? What did you think about talk about learn about when you were pregnant? What were you before? And why didn't you try harder to get better rather than to just let it eat you alive? Why do I have to lose because of it? How come I never got to know who you were? I found my way on my own. I'm a damn good mom. Without your input without your help. But I still lose because at the end of the day I'm still fighting it alone with no one to turn to as a resource. No one to meet with, laugh with, take mother daughter ski trips with during school vacations, no one to hit up for advice about how to be a mom to a child who is my walking copy, even if you were magically better now I couldn't have that because you weren't there for that. You were too wrapped in your own reality. I want a mom, not someone I adopt who might feel bad enough for me to let me, I want a real mom. One that holds my history and can relate to me now as an adult, a mother trying to make her way in the world too. But I won't ever have that....not really....and once again, I lose. Because you are now more of a child than I ever was.....I'm the responsible adult, I have had to be for as long as I can remember. I miss what never was....I ache for what will never be....and in the end I'm left feeling as if at the end of the day, no matter how hard I fight, I still lose...

Oh No You Didn't!

Oh crap! Twins! I can't focus my brain is a wreck! I'm sooooo distracted! I should have just taken today off!  It's exciting...but I'm so terrified.  Now what?! TWINS! What do I do with TWINS?! Totally flipping out!  I never even thought that was possible! I mean sure it happens all the time but usually that is with fertility drugs and stuff like that. I am numb from the shock! What the heck?! I didn't think this happened naturally, let alone would happen to little ole' me! And what does this mean for next year? I can't teach and pay for three kids in day care let alone TWO infants! I'm so in shock! My dad is going to freak out!

Update 10/1/12: Ironically, my dad did not freak out nearly as bad as expected, and I am currently back at work at a different school, working for pennies, we got a scholarship offered to us from our kiddos preschool and my Redneck Knight keeps the twins during the day. Crazy times!

Attempting to process

Not sure how to start processing Saturday's session. She is always running late, which you think would bother me, but it doesn't. Gives me time to sorta prepare myself. Sure I joke about paying my copay and leaving, but I don't really mean it. I guess I deflect with humor more than I ever realized. I've always been sarcastic, but have never really taken the time to realize that I have built it into my defense mechanism. When I'm not comfortable with something, rather than allowing myself to sit in it, I find a way to quickly poke fun at myself and move on as fast as I can. It surprises me how naturally it comes out now. But I digress. I like that she is always running late because it gives me some quiet time to prepare. To have alone time in my own bubble. But I mostly don't mind it because it tells me something about her. Money isn't her driving force, the clock doesn't drive her. People do. Sure she is getting paid to listen to me whine bitch and complain, but if money was the most important thing, or sessions would end promptly at 50 min not running on average about 80 min without being charged extra for it. I feel safer because I guess there is a part of it that makes me feel like what I have to say matters, even if it is only myself in the end that it matters to. She laughs at my jokes and gets me to laugh too. They don't come across as those fake type "I'm laughing because I'm paid to help you feel good about yourself." It is either genuine, or she could win an academy award. Hah! Sidetracked again! We touched on some key stuff, not in depth but enough to hit home a little closer than I thought it would. Usually it takes longer for people to figure me out. Normally I can talk about things without it affecting me. We talked about my mom. I wish I could be done with that. I'm over it. Or so I thought. Apparently there is more work to be done...and now that I'm a mother too (I wasn't yet the last time I worked through my feelings towards my mom), I guess I have to face it all again. I'm beginning to see that I'm really good at locking things up in my head/heart and then losing all the keys. I'm afraid of the things I may find when we start opening locked and sealed vaults. I'm afraid of who I really am. I'm afraid of what I may do with this unlocked knowledge. I'm afraid of hurting those I care about. I seem to suddenly be afraid of a lot of things. I hate being afraid and yet I think it is a constant state of being for me. That and stress. We touched that too. I hate being stressed but don't know how not to be. From the time I was an infant I would be overwhelmed by stuff. Apparently I never grew out of it. I hate change and yet get bored and restless being in one place too long. ADHD much anyone?! She asked me what I do when things get to be too much. Do I have a happy place I think of in my head. Took me a minute to realize, nope. I have no specific memory/location that I have locked onto as my happy place. It is hard to find an isolated memory where I was happy and truly relaxed with no agenda in the world. I think I need one. But how do you find one?  I still have skeletons in my closet I'm not ready to tell her yet. Things I'm not ready to investigate further. Some old things, some new things. And I haven't told her yet I think I could be pregnant. That will be a while other ton of stuff to wade through. I know therapy is good for me. But it is hard. I don't know how to explain it better than that. And no one that hasn't ever truly been in therapy for an extended period of time (i.e. Not just there to work out a specific issue and then done and over with) can truly understand quite what I mean. It isn't physical exhaustion, but more an emotional one. The processing doesn't end when the session does. Some of the big work comes after the fact. In high school I hid after my sessions to give me time to process. Sometimes for many hours. As an adult, not only is the mental work harder, but I don't have that same ability to disappear. Responsibilities. Real world living. Haven't figured out why the work is harder as an adult, maybe before I didn't have the needed life experiences to truly process my childhood events and how they still rear their ugly head from time to time and mess with the here and now....I'm tired...no more now...sleep...maybe more later...

Self-reflection day

Today my students participated in Junior Achievement - Mapping Your Success. I have never participated before so I greatly enjoyed having the opportunity to be a part of it this year. One of the activities was to create a collage of where students want to be in ten years. Being as how I won't be 23 in ten years I bumped the age but decided to follow the same activity for myself. It proved itself to be an eye-opening experience. It might turn out quite the way I would have liked, partially because I always will be a bit neurotic about stuff like that. I learned some interesting things about myself today. For instance, I tend to be drawn more to word phrases, individual words, quotes, and other graphics of a text nature almost more so than pictures. Strange, but true. It morphed into more of a not just where I want to be in ten years but also how I want to feel about myself, things I want to feel about myself now, statements of motivation, etc. I find myself going back to it multiple times already just since creating it just to look at it and ponder more in depth why I made some final selections that I did, what some of the things say about me as a teacher, wife, mom, person, etc.

It's All Coming Back To Me Now - Meatloaf <---- Click Here

"It's All Coming Back To Me Now"
(feat. Marion Raven)
[Boy:] There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed if I just listened to it right outside the window
[Girl:] There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust and I just knew my eyes were drying up forever
[Both:]
I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I have ever made
[Boy:]
But when you touch me like this (touch me like this)
And you hold me like that (hold me like that)
I just have to admit that it's all coming back to me
When I touch you like this (touch you like this)
And I hold you like that (hold you like that)
It's so hard to believe but it's all coming back to me now
[Girl:]
It's all coming back
It's all coming back to me now
[Boy:]
There were moments of gold and there were flashes of light
There were things I'd never do again but then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than any laws allow-baby, baby!
If I kiss you like this (kiss you like this)
And if you whisper like that (whisper like that)
It was lost long ago but it's all coming back to me
If you want me like this (if you want me like this)
And if you need me like that (if you need me like that)
It was dead long ago but it's all coming back to me
It's so hard to resist and it's all coming back to me
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now....
But you were history with the slamming of the door
And I made myself so strong again somehow
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then!
But if I touch you like this (touch you like this)
And if you kiss me like that (kiss me like that)
It was so long ago but it's all coming back to me
If you touch me like this (touch me like this)
And if I kiss you like that (kiss you like that)
It was gone with the wind but it's all coming back to me now
[Girl:]
It's all coming back
It's all coming back to me now
[Boy:]
There were moments of gold and there were flashes of light
There were things we'd never do again but they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than all your laws allow-baby, baby, baby!
When you touch me like this (touch me like this)
And when you hold me like that (hold me like that)
It was gone with the wind but it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this (see me like this)
And when I see you like that (see you like that)
Then we see what we want to see-all coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies-all coming back to me
I can barley recall, but it's all coming back to me now....
If you forgive me all this (forgive me all this)
If I forgive you all that (forgive you all that)
We forgive and forget and it's all coming back to me now
[Girl:] It's all coming back to me now
[Boy:] We forgive and forget
[Both:] And it's all coming back to me now....
________________________________________________________
 Always liked Celine Dion's version but found the Meatloaf version sung as a duet and I liked that more. So this is where I am found at almost 4am early on a Tuesday morning.  I should be asleep here in my bed, alone.  For that is the charge of the wife of a husband on overnights.

Black Friday Fun

Hit up a few of the black friday yesterday. Got some awesome movies for CHEAP. So excited! Got lots of stuff for my bunny at 50% off. She has 192 oz of hay, I think it will last her, well, forever! But she needed it, so it works.

Met up with my brother who took me for a ride on his motorcycle. What a rush! I forgot how much of a thrill it is! I totally want a bike now. Which disturbed me a little. It is so unlike me. But then I find myself asking who am I anyway? I sure as hell don't know these days! I seem to be doing a lot of out of character things lately. There was a part of me that just felt free on the bike. I didn't have to be anyone. I could scream, and laugh and just enjoy the ride. The laughs themselves were totally genuine too. Everyone my brother accelerated, the pegs my feet were on would vibrate really hard (understandably so) but it tickled the bottom of my feet through my shoes. It was hilarious, although I'm sure it was one of those you had to be there things.

Hubby got all the christmas lights up already and it looks great! We admired his handiwork for a bit and then had dinner with my brother and his new girlfriend that he only just told me about yesterday. I like her! She is sooo much better than his ex. I really hope it works out. Either way though I have totally made a new friend. She is very sweet, sarcastic, funny, down to earth and sweet with the girls. And she is a photographer and loves Wicked! She is totally approved in my book. I told my brother that this time around he needs to listen to his crazy younger sister because she was the ONLY one that saw through the facade of his ex very early on. She's great. Lol I told him to marry her now so she can't get away :)

*sigh* ok, I've wasted enough time...time to face the music...I hate this part. New therapists are rough...I have to physically fight with myself to give the real answers rather than the answers they watch for to determine if you are ok or not. That talent of mine used to piss my dad off! So many sessions wasted...and it ended up always being me that suffered...as an adult and the one paying the bill I don't do that as much, but it still goes against my own human nature to protect myself from any possible discomfort that is not directly in my control...

But in the meantime, here is a pic that makes me smile even if I do look really fat :)

Thanksgiving brings out the crazy in all of us!

Today was definitely entertaining. I totally botched the pecan pie. Note to self: 2 cups of nuts DOES NOT mean 16oz of nuts. Apparently it still came out quite good, a bit nutty, but so am I so it works. Just as we were sitting down to dinner my 5 year old announces for us all that we were eating a dead bird that got shot. Well, I HAD been looking forward to some good turkey but now I have a fabulous graphic mental picture in my head!

Had a brief spat with the hubby but we worked it out. He was frustrated and made a few sarcastic remarks that I was very hurt by but out of it I finally realized how I tend to either space out or hyper focus on something and lose track of the other. I don't do it on purpose. I'm easily distracted by technology. He suffers from the same thing but I learned long ago to not get mad about it but rather make sure I had his attention and looking at me so I know he is registering what I'm saying. I apparently suffer from the same which had gotten increasingly worse. So rather than get frustrated and just not tell me and then mouth off about it I asked him to help me recognize when I am doing it and to draw my attention on him completely first without getting mad. I'm going to try to do better.

Tonight was fun, although I still struggle a bit with claustrophobia. I swear when it hit 9:56, it was like the whole world took a crazy pill. Holy crap! We did however get a ps3 for my husband for christmas so it was worth it. Well, that and I have never been Black Friday shopping before so it was something I just "had" to experience.

Tis the end of the evening and I lay here curled up listening to the gentle rain outside my window. My thoughts drift...and tonight it is so very sweet...

As Long As You're Mine - Wicked

Video says it all...Character's features are a little blurry but dialogue prior to song as well as reprise I'm not that girl by Glinda prior to the beginning of As Long As You're Mine between Elphaba and Fiyero are kind of ironic...

As Long As You're Mine
ELPHABA:
Kiss me too fiercely
Hold me too tight
I need help believing
You're with me tonight
My wildest dreamings
Could not foresee
Lying beside you
With you wanting me
And just for this moment
As long as you're mine
I've lost all resistance
And crossed some borderline
And if it turns out
It's over too fast
I'll make ev'ry last moment last
As long as you're mine
FIYERO:
Maybe I'm brainless
Maybe I'm wise
But you've got me seeing
Through different eyes
Somehow I've fallen
Under your spell
And somehow I'm feeling
It's "up" that I fell
BOTH:
Every moment
As long as you're mine
I'll wake up my body
And make up for lost time
FIYERO:
Say there's no future
For us as a pair
BOTH:
And though I may know
I don't care!
Just for this moment
As long as you're mine
Come be how you want to
And see how bright we shine
Borrow the moonlight
Until it is through
And know I'll be here holding you
As long as you're mine
FIYERO:
(spoken) What is it?
ELPHABA:
(spoken) It's just - for the first time, I feel - (whispers) wicked!

The moment of truth...

It's been a whopping four hours and I'm awake. 30 min till my alarm is scheduled to go off. Last night was fun. Had a good time with some dear friends I haven't seen in awhile. Movie was kind of hard to watch being as how most of it focused around a pregnancy and birth and a love for two men and having to pick only one. That bitch has it all. She marries one and the other continues to be at her side either way. Totally not real life. Let me tell you what really happens. You make your choice, botch it up, then manage to botch the other relationship up and end up with both of them never speaking to you again. What a glutton for punishment I am. Why can't my life be like the movie? Can't I at least pretend? Nope, no I can't. Damn. My world. My reality. Happy. What would make me happy? I dunno anymore...

But I digress, I'm stalling...the moment of truth is the fact that I really don't want to go to therapy this morning. I want to roll over and go back to sleep. I hate new appointments like this. This whole tell me your life story in ten seconds. I know how to give all the "right" answers, but that doesn't help much. After all, I've been in therapy off and on since I was 4.  I want to get better but I don't like this whole make yourself vulnerable to a complete stranger thing...well time to face the music I guess, here goes nothing...

Today

I can't explain why, but today was a very good day.  I haven't felt that good in awhile.  Sure I had a headache by the end of the day but who doesn't when you spend your days amongst the hormone driven monstrosity that is a middle school?  The lesson today I came up with late last night and hadn't written it down prior to teaching it, I grabbed materials last minute literally on the way to work, and it went amazingly well! I had 100% engagement for a good chunk of the class period!! I dunno why but it was just an on day!  I got complimented multiple times today, apparently the air was blowing just the right direction?  A few coworkers complimented my shirt, few students made small compliments, and I got a lot of "You look different today, Ms."  My first thought was, hmm, ya think?!  I was living in that school sweatshirt for like a week because it was chilly out and was nice and comfy!  But I think telling me I look different is about as close as I am going to get to a compliment from some of those students.  Tomorrow we are going to do a marshmallow challenge in class with functional text.  Should be interesting.  Been thinking about my life a lot lately.  The What if''s, the Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda beens.  I look at this new job opportunity before me and it makes me think about a lot of other things in my life and how I wonder where I would be if I had made different choices.  I love my family and wouldn't change that for the world, even when they drive me nuts.  But seeing this other job opportunity got me thinking about career choices, and settling for stuff career wise rather than continuing to chase my dreams.  Dreams sort of get put on hold when families start to expand.  I guess I never really chased my dreams because I never figured I was worth enough to have them.  Or that I wanted other dreams more, like being a wife and a mom.  I wanted to be one of your cliche 50's housewives/stay at home mom's like on the old fashion T.V. shows.  I love my girls to pieces but it wasn't until I became a mom that I realized I could never be Mrs. Brady.  If I stayed home with my girls I would either be committed for real or on trial for doing something really STUPID.  I am much more like Claire Huxtable only not black, and not making NEARLY enough money! If I'm not busy I don't know what to do with myself.  Just call me your local ADHD head case.  I always thought that diagnosis was used way to often and everyone was using it to label kids so I steered clear of it during my first few years as an educator.  And then my daughter hit 4.  And I saw things in her that I saw in myself that I remembered from my childhood and I cringe.  Could this in fact be real? Could she have it to?  How can I help her if I can't even help myself?  That was when I finally walked through the symptoms and was officially diagnosed with ADHD.  No wonder I struggled so much as a kid.  The pieces start falling into place.  I was one of those kids that slipped through the cracks.  What we used to call the dreamers.  If I was bored I couldn't sit still but when I was tired I would just check out.  My daughter does this.  It worries me a lot sometimes.  I really don't want to label her, and being an educator I know how labeling can hinder a student.  But at the same time, I want her to have more successes than me.  I don't want her to have to struggle the way I did.  Then again, I took some of them high powered drugs and it nearly did me in.  I am not too keen on giving that kind of thing to my daughter after what happened to me.  So I watch and wait...and I wonder.  And then I realize that I am babbling and way off the topic of what I was originally going to mention.  Maybe I'm having another "What if..." moment.  But how cool would it be to be able to teach a photography class and have writing very closely integrated into the course so that for every picture they have to write some kind of story, fiction, memoir, childhood memory, whatever.  And then combine them together to put up in a gallery of some kind.  The whole concept of a picture being worth a thousand words and tying creative writing into that.  I think that would be a neat elective class that would help students improve their writing abilities and express their thoughts both through photographic individuality as well as written word.  I was also thinking recently about how much fun it might be to teach ASL.  Apparently I want to be an elective teacher.  Who knows.  I wonder about so much stuff at the moment that I can't distinguish between what I really want and just the what if category.  But whatever, today was a good day.  I'm sticking to that.  Job posting for the job at the other school went down.  Hoping my boss touched base with other principal and I will hear something back soon.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up but that's difficult. 

Baby girl...

Sweet angel,
     You left us too soon. We are distraught at the loss of you. Even though we only knew of you briefly, oh how you were loved. We wanted you so bad. I found myself so lost without you right now. I keep thinking about how far along we would be, I swear I can still feel you move inside me even though you are long gone back to heaven. You have two older siblings and some other dear relatives up there to look after you. Do you age up there? I feel empty without you...I'm sorry things weren't sticky enough...I'm sorry I couldn't keep you...I wonder who you would have been, what you would have looked, sounded, acted like. Your Daddy had a dream recently with you in it. Given the fact that he saw you as a girl and we were kind of already talking about you as if you would have been a girl. You older sister however, was CONVINCED that you would be a boy and that we would be required to name you Anthony. But we have a habit of not taking the toddlers advice about naming babies. Daddy dreamed..and you were so happy. We decided to name you based on the name we found and liked for you before you slipped away. Sweet dreams my precious, Mia...

Love forever,
Mommy

I'm Not That Girl - Wicked

*Click on title of post and watch link from start to finish before reading further*
It's funny how much I relate to a fictional character.  The same character that later becomes known as The Wicked Witch of the West...touch of irony? *sigh*  What is, what was, what could have been.  I love my family, but damn me and my lack of self worth.  Damn me for not speaking up and fighting for something so long ago that was so very worth it.  Damn me that it still matters so much.  Damn me for not being able to JUST LET GO...I'M NOT THAT GIRL. *sigh*  Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn.  2:45am...up in less than 4 hours...This is what keeps me up tonight...

I'm Not That Girl
Hands touch, eyes meet, 
sudden silence, sudden heat 
hearts leap in a giddy world.  
He could be that boy, 
but I'm not that girl  
Don't dream too far, don't lose sight of who you are,  
don't remember that rush of joy. 
He could be that boy, 
I'm not that girl
Every so often we long to steal, 
to the land of what might have been, 
but that doesn't soften the ache we feel 
when reality sets back in  
Blythe smile, lithe limb  
she who's winsome,
she wins him, 
gold hair with a gentle curl, 
that's the girl he chose 
and heaven knows,  
I'm not that girl  
don't wish, don't start 
wishing only wounds the heart,
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl, 
there's a girl I know,  
he loves her so, 
I'm not that girl.

Blogger phone app

Gosh I post a lot from my phone app. Apparently I have more to say to myself than I first thought. Isn't that some form of mental disorder that dr's medicate for? At least I don't seem to be arguing with myself and losing...yet. Time will tell. Maybe this blogging thing is good for me then again, maybe not.  After all, it encourages me to talk to myself.  And answer myself as well. The moment of truth should be determined soon...I don't think it's happening this month though. I'm not allowed to take a test yet. I don't think I have ever wanted something so bad in my life. My first two happened so easily, without even trying...service yesterday dragged some of that stuff up too. After my first up ending of the bottle I finally lost my composure from the whole day. I sobbed for all of the losses of late.

I broke down and told My Redneck Knight that he should hate me for not being able to keep hold of the baby. His main response was that this happens and he doesn't blame me and I shouldn't think that. I don't think he truly gets the depth of how much it hurts.

I don't think many people get the depth of my emotional response to things. How do you explain that it isn't over reacting per say but the fact that I truly feel everything that deep and don't have the coping skills to handle them. And then wonder why when I bottle stuff up. What the hell else am I supposed to do with it? My whole life I have fought this battle. My dad even said that when I was a baby during big holidays and stuff I would be inconsolable, crying for hours, just from the over stimulation or my absorbing everyone's energy or something. I'm beginning to think this is ingrained in me. It isn't some childish ploy to seek attention by turning everything into "the end of the world", I wish it were that simple. I feel all of it to such an extreme that it is nearly impossible to process! "Water off a ducks back" My dad used to always say. I don't know how! My feathers are lacking so much oil that it just sucks in EVERYTHING and then some!

Sometimes I think I care too much. Not even meds turn it off. It just numbs everything and makes it that much easier to bottle. Don't get me wrong my meds help with lots of other stuff. The anxiety, the mood swings, etc., but how does one not feel so deeply? I guess some might call it empathy on crack. I hate being judged for who I am. You don't like it? Can't handle the fact that I feel EVERYTHING in it's most extreme form? Then go. You wouldn't be the first. And likely not the last.

I guess that's the lonely path of the feeler. You win some, but you lose most. I'm so afraid that these extremes drive my world away. I'm afraid to be alone. I don't want to end up alone. Half the time even when I am not alone I still feel alone. Words can not express how empty I feel inside right now. I should be close to 12 weeks by now, showing and the works. But I'm not. Give it back dammit! Why can't I have it back?! Or give me another! Just give me another that is meant to stick!

Holy hell I'm all over the spectrum today. I'm not even sure how many topics I hit. I should go back and edit but I won't. I should care more about how it's formatted, but I don't.

Today has been a lonely day and it's my fault.

In my bubble

Floating between awake and dreaming. I hear the soft rain outside my window and it tugs at my memory. My world sleeps around me and so I am safe within myself to float away. To remember, to dream, to imagine a world that just might have been very different from the one I live and breathe in. One might say it leads to more self inflicted pain, but not here, not this morning. This morning is just for floating. For remembering the good and letting it take it's own path of life in my head before tucking it back away again. My mind slips me back into the arms of another. Under the stars, bundled in jackets.  I'm not allowed to look away. Eyes I can't begin to describe. They are the window to the soul and I see much further than I ever have before. Still questions. Nothing will change the present. It's the eyes that are my undoing. The words say one thing but the eyes say different. So soft, so sweet, that first kiss. And thus it begins. My stomach warms and my heart flutters. I curse myself for being stupid and selfish but in this moment I don't care. All I care about is the one behind those eyes and the feelings that stir within now. What sparks is a hidden fire that was smoldered long before its time in two completely different souls that are connected in ways I didn't think possible. So safe. This I know. This I remember. Always understanding when I said it was too much or not yet. Always caring so much, I cry and the arms and hands bring me closer. Kisses in my hair, tender words of reassurance that I cling to because I must for I can't keep believing my own. My heart flutters and my stomach warms at this memory. I wrap it up soft and tuck it away in my heart, a cherished moment in time that belongs to me. No one can take that from me, I won't let them. Right now it keeps me breathing in a world of chaos. I float north, up the winding hill. The end, this is the end. Reality hits back soon. Slamming a door and locking it up doesn't kill what's buried inside. I don't want to be alone here. Show me it isn't just me in this world. The rain picks up outside my window. Pulling me back down to reality. I am awash with confusion. Something I don't want to contemplate right now. For now I just want to stay in my bubble, in the arms of another, from long ago, let my heart flutter and my stomach glow warm and drift...

In memory...

Had a few laughs, and many tears. I wish to be the memorable person that he was. I think memorial services kind of suck. The people that would want to hear these things most are no longer here to do just that. Everyone should throw a memorial party once in their life and have everyone show, have a good time, and have everyone share what they might share if you had passed away. Sounds so morbid on one level but at the same time, wouldn't it be more fun to have them there with you still? Throw this big ass party so everyone could plan what they want to say and then at the end be like "now don't show up when I die y'all, just let me sleep, lord knows I'm not doing it now!" I would throw a party like that but few that truly matter in my heart would bother to show...who knows if they would even show if something had happened to me. This throws me in to a whirlwind of emotions, hah!, like I wasn't already! I wonder what others would have to say about me. Hopefully nicer things than what I would have to say about myself at the moment. Does everyone only say nice things at the funeral because it is just wrong to be mean? I want one person to walk up and be like, "This person was an asshole! He was my best friend, but really, he was a jerk! Let me tell you why...but in closing, the dumbass will be dearly missed. And I just have to say one last thing, you lose, cuz I'm breathing and your a stiff!"

No, that isn't what I think of this fine educator we just lost, he was just straight up awesome...but still, you just wonder you know? ....here's a crazy ass thought...what would you say?
When a great educator is lost, no one will feel it deeper than the students he will never teach...here's to you...hope you are enjoying the wine of the heavens man...our school won't be the same without ya!
So, who's up for getting trashed tonight?!?!?! All those in favor?! I have a strong feeling that he would be in favor!

Kids & Babies

Even the park is painful some days..all the mommies with their brand new babies and perfectly happy...it makes me hate them....it makes me love them....it makes me jealous as all hell. It's funny how they act all put together but I know that at least one of them is putting on an act and that makes me feel better...sick and twisted but true. I want MY baby back. Beginning to think 3 is a good number. DH and I have discussed 4 but given my emotional challenges I'm wondering if 4 might just be too much. But I want just one more. Please...

Who am I? Who the hell are you?!

*Precursor* I have to have one place that is just mine that I can say anything anywhere anytime...I can't leave pieces here, pieces there...I can't edit this place....this is MY place....MY CONTROL....in my world of chaos...I need something somewhere to be completely honest....with myself if no one else....there is a part of me that even questions letting ANYONE in....so if you are reading this I apparently have changed my mind...which means you aren't allowed to get upset by anything you read because this is MY place...it HAS to be...

You? Who are you?  For that matter, who am I?  I will tell you exactly who I am...I'm a biatch, someone that has some sick twisted subconcious that finds some way to mess up what I have going for me...Boundaries, what are those?  How much is too much? I haven't heard from you in over a year and yet I dreamed of you the other night....I miss you...you were like my big brother...you never shied away from hugging me...you let me believe it was ok to hold on as long as I needed....boy was I wrong...then you dropped me like a hot stone...You infuriate me....I infuriate me...it isn't like you are ever going to change your mind...

Shock

Had a whole list of things to blog about..been trying to pay close attention....and then today a bombshell dropped....I got to school today only to find out that one of our dear teacher's had a heart attack just this morning and didn't make it....we had all of a 20 min heads up before informing the students.  Held it together till about 5th period and now am falling apart at the seams it feels....I think more than anything what is messing with me the most is the fact that it was so unexpected....in reality it could have been any of us...it is hard when death strikes unexpectedly so close to home....I don't know how to begin processing....it just adds one more thing to everything I'm fighting at the moment....I miss my bunny...I didn't bring her in this morning and I should have...then she would have been here...for the kids...but more importantly, for me....asked the Redneck Knight if he would bring her to me and his response was, "You're kidding, right?"  No I wasn't kidding thank you very much but nevermind!  Thankful for small blessings...being as how I'm not allowed to bottle things up anymore, glad that I can access my blog from work..at least now I can get some of this junk out before it eats me alive...heartbroken....helpless...completely overwhelmed...

Beautiful Disaster

Was making an attempt to figure out a better template, but I tired of it quickly.  Darn ADHD.  However in my wanderings came across a template that was titled Beautiful Disaster.  Liked that way of defining things.  Kinda feel like that explains me.  Those that truly know me, know my heart, but right now I am just a wacked out disaster.  I have to believe in something positive....ok so no I don't...but if I don't, those that are reading this will probably track me down and beat me.  My intention for this blog is to remain anonymous for the most part because this is not for anyone's health but mine.  So if you have discovered this or I have given you the link, please take no offense to anything I say because I am at least doing you the courtesy of not calling you out by name.  And besides, this is for me to express shit.  So deal.  Go bash me on your own blog.  Just don't tell me bout it because I have a bad habit of being overly sensitive to that stuff.  But I gotta vent somewhere.  I'm bad at keeping secrets...but at the same time it is kinda different to carry a secret and be unknown.  Is it really wrong that I have no intention of showing this blog to some of those very closest to me?  By closest to me I mean those in my immediate everyday life and or immediate family members.  (If I did give you this site and you didn't stumble on it by accident, not that anyone would, consider yourself one of the elite.)  Does that make me a horrible person?  

No idea really why I'm posting.  Oh yea, a Beautiful Disaster.  Yep, that's me.  All this crap is dragging up all kinds of crap from my past that I never actually dealt with...I just faced it long enough to package it up in a nice little bottle and throw it into the abyss that is my mind....guess this post doesn't technically count either.  Still feel very emotionally detached from it all...almost like I'm not sure how to truly access it....

...guess that is all I gots to say at this time of the night...BLAH!

Being Severed is easier

Ironically you would think it would be more difficult to get me to create a blog if I was really that stubborn about doing it.  Sadly I have this really bad habit of following direct orders from others.  Some call it being responsible, I call it obnoxious as hell.  Reminds me of Ella Enchanted.  I will argue with you till I am blue in the face, but you give me a direct order and it is like, "Yes, Ma'am!"  Which is how I ended up here with an anonymous blog.  I don't anticipate anyone to actually read it so I guess I have no reason to state this precursor of these are simply my opinions thoughts feelings and reactions and in no way are intended to offend, identify or incriminate others.  That being said, I'm still writing because I have to and I am avoiding reality.  I'd rather be on Pinterest.  Yea, yea, so I am playing with features.  Shoot me.  

Went to the doctor today to follow up from a weird lightheaded incident that occurred at work on Friday.  Given the current state of my life, and the things I have been describing to her, I have basically been diagnosed with PTSD.  Seriously? Isn't that crap for people that were in war or had massive trauma to their life like whole entire family murder suicides or something?  Apparently not.  I wonder if it is contagious.  Maybe I can blow on the teacher in the classroom next to me and give her another reason why she can't just do her damn job.  Ok that was mean.  Hey wait, I can say whatever the hell I want!  Hah!  

So to make a long story short it has been a tough year.  In the last year I had a miscarriage, my 2 year old(at the time) in the hospital twice for a week about a month apart, followed by my randomly experiencing bouts of syncope that I could not be roused from without the ever dear sternum rub (Angry fist!) which landed me in the hospital for a week 3 days after my baby girl had just been released for the second time, followed by being out of work for the last two months of school, financial strain like you wouldn't believe, ridiculous circumstances at work so far this year, and topping all that off with a lovely two/three weeks of elating joy due to discovering by accident that I was pregnant.  Only to lose it at about 8 weeks.  Now I feel like I have some kind of weird split personality disorder that only rears its head late at night when all is quiet and some disturbing dreams that while are fairly amusing when discussed during the day, seriously suck when I wake up from them.  Embryo's screaming at me not to drown them followed by a *FLUSH!* or embryo's being eaten by my husband as he munches away on a shrimp salad.  I know...sick and twisted right?  This led to direct orders (remember the Ella Enchanted concept?)  Immediately go back on meds, find a therapist and begin seeing them once a week until they tell you otherwise, create a blog(I love the 21st century thinking here, I remember showing my doc not long ago how to use her blackberry when she first got it and now she is telling me to blog?!)  But I must say it allows for a bit more creativity than that of a hand written journal.  Which I have never been good at using anyway.  So far one entry down and no tears, good start.  No wait, maybe a fake start.  "If you haven't tapped into the tough stuff in your blog entry it doesn't count." Damn it! Well. fine!  I created the blog, I told my hubby everything I have been ordered to do, which he immediately followed with "Go take a shower, that's an order.) Really? Hell, next thing you know he will be calling me Ella.  I have at least attempted a start right?  Who am I kidding, who the hell is actually going to read this random psychobabble?  Other than myself and possibly someone being paid to do just that to analyze my inner most thoughts and feelings.  Hey you, yea you, I'm paying you, go easy on me will ya?!