BoHo Book Club Questions and Review - Almost by Anne Eliot

For this month's book with the BoHo Book Club, we have been reading Almost written by Anne Eliot.  Due to the fact that I am terrible at only following assigned readings(my English teachers always hated me), especially when getting sucked into a good book, as well as not being sure I can reliably post a blog post every week, I have committed myself to post one or two for each book.  I just finished this book late last night and let me tell you, I loved it!  However, before I get into that, allow me to respond to the questions we have for each week.

The idea of a contract was a new one for me.  However, being able to strongly relate to the desire Jess has to appear "normal" to the outside world, I can sympathize with her desperation to achieve her goal of being able to go away to college.  Given what we learn about Gray early on, I can also understand his desire to help protect her from what could be deemed as social suicide.  High school can be a very difficult place to exist, especially when you already don't fit in for one reason or another.  I can also understand the guilt that Gray carries and the strong urge to try to make up for his "mistake", however, I feel like he should have been completely upfront with her about their past prior to agreeing to this contract.

I really loved how Jess began to open herself up to new experiences throughout the book.  Even though both her "boyfriend" and new "friends" were all part of the contract, as she perceived it, it still allowed her to experience social interactions that she hadn't had up until this point and I personally that while the contract idea was a bit extreme, the areas in which she benefitted from these social interactions were, in fact, quite helpful to her.  Personally I feel that Gray should have been honest about their past and his feelings for her from the beginning, however, I also understand being in a difficult position like that of having been led astray by the adults you are supposed to be able to trust even when you feel that they are doing the wrong thing and later looking back and having to make a judgement call about what you agreed to in the first place.

I agree with the concept of sending the letter due to the fact that he couldn't be there, however, I think the letter in and of itself didn't give enough inforation. In this circumstance it was done because he was not able to make their date to talk, but I feel like a short note would have sufficed in that regard.  When it comes to discussing difficult things, I have always found that I express myself better in writing so I can understand if that were the motivations behind sending Jess a letter.  If it had been me though, I likely would have explained everything and then sat down with Jess and either read it to her or had her read it with me present to then discuss it afterwards.  I didn't have any really strong opinions with regards to the reaction Jess had to his letter.  It seemed to be an apropriate response in regards to who we have learned Jess to be through the course of this book up until this point.

I had extremely mixed feelings about this question.  While on one hand, I can see why they wanted to spare Jess the pain of prosecuting her attacker, it also disturbs me greatly that as a result of protecting her, they let this guy get away with a horrific crime.  It bothers me because of just how realistic this approach to social issues and domestic violence is; if we sweep it under the rug and try to pretend it never happened, we can make it "go away".  When something like this happens, I'm not sure there is ever a good answer.  Justice needs to be served, but how long does it have to be dragged out torturing the victim before they can move on with their lives.  The educator and mandated reporter in me screams, "Of course you need to prosecute and not try to hide the truth", but the parent in me empathizes with the family's desire to not torment Jess any more than necessary.

Book Review:

I absolutely loved this book.  I related very strongly with Jess.  I am also a victim of sexual assault and as a result, to this day battle with PTSD and severe anxiety.  Coming to terms with PTSD when you have not been witness to severe atrocity is a difficult pill to swallow for many people. I found this book to be an easy read and a fairly realistic plot line.  It was refreshing to read a book that did not reek of sex every ten pages while still having a sweet love story present.  I think this book could be a good conversation starter for teens to talk about the realities and dangers of assault.  I will be keeping this book in my repetoire to share with my daughter in a few years.  I gve this book a rating of 5/5 stars.  Looking forward to more books by this author!  

BoHo Book Club - Almost by Anne Eliot

     Who would have thought that after all of this time, I still exist?! Exist, I do, and every so often I make an attempt to resurrect this blog of mine because it still holds a dear place in my heart.  One day I hope to be able to devote far more time to it than I am presently able to do.  This, being my latest attempt at resurrection.  One of my closest friends over at The Bohemian Housewife has recently started her BoHo Book Club and I am so honored to have been invited to be included.  Most bloggers are posting once a week about our book each month but I've set my aspirations a bit lower for now.  Maybe during my off seasons I will blog more often, but for now my goal is one post per book that we read, or maybe two.  Don't judge me, I'm a full time Doctorate student with four young children; life is just tad bit busy in my neck of the woods!

     In any case, this first month we have been reading Almost by Anne Eliot.  So, without further ado, let me give you some info on our book and the fabulous author that wrote it.

Purchase this book here! Almost

About The Book:

At a freshman party she doesn't remember, Jess Jordan was almost raped.

...Almost. Very nearly. Not quite. 

Three years later, Jess has managed to make everyone believe she's better. Over it. Because she is.

...Almost. Very nearly. Not quite.

Unfortunately, until Jess proves she's back to normal activities, her parents won't discuss college. So, she lands a summer internship and strikes a deal with hockey jock, Gray Porter: He gets $8,000. She gets a fake boyfriend and a social life. 

Jess has no idea Gray signed on for reasons other than money. She also never expects to fall in love. But Gray’s amazingly hot, holds her hand all the time, and makes her forget that he’s simply doing his job. It’s like having a real boyfriend.

...Almost. Very nearly. Not quite.

Gray Porter is hiding secrets of his own. About Jess Jordan. About why he’s driven to protect her, why he won't cash her checks, or deny her anything she asks. 

About The Author:

Anne Eliot writes sweet, first-love stories. She was raised in the mountains of Colorado, but says she really learned about life, love and friendships from summers spent with her large, Italian immigrant family in Ontario, Canada. 

Anne is grateful to have had schools with inspiring teachers and librarians who directed her to worlds she would not have found on her own. To this day, she adores school visits, teaching writing to teens, and is dedicated to making sure kids in need have access to books that will fuel their hopes and dreams. 

While growing up, Anne hid her own anxieties by hiding and reading book after book. She developed an addiction to first love, first kisses and her favorite: the happy-ever-after story. This is what she writes today. Now she's a mom of two and happily married to her own first love. Anne works hard to juggle being a wife and parent while writing, but fails at cooking because she is still trying to read book, after book of love stories on the side. 

Anne Eliot’s first book, Almost, became a top 100 best selling Kindle book, and was a Readers Choice, Top 12 of 2012 book for Amazon.com at #11, and will be translated and released in Germany and Turkey fall 2013. Her second book, Unmaking Hunter Kennedy, is a also a Kindle, top 100 best selling book in Teen Romance for 2013. She's hard at work on her third novel, another sweet teen romance releasing fall/winter, 2013. She loves to hear from readers. Please look for her on Facebook or tweet her @yaromance. 

And then they wonder...

     I always get asked, "Why don't you talk to me?"  Well, to be quite blunt, I don't talk because I get tired of talking to myself.  Or being judged when I do finally speak up about what is really going on inside.  You want me to talk to you, but when I finally let you in enough and do, you tell me I'm just finding excuses to be lazy, or worse, you blow me off completely as if I haven't said a word.  So I just stop fighting the current.  It's not like I quit at life or anything, but I stop sharing my thoughts, feelings, beliefs and opinions.  Why should I continue to share them if no one really means it when they say they want me to talk to them anyway?  Could it all be in my head? Likely not exclusively, although I'm sure I'm also hypersensitive to being blown off after all of these years of this cyclical pattern that goes on and on and on and ON.  

     It is no secret that my opinion of myself is likely lower than ANYONE else's opinion of me will ever be.  That is a given when you are talking about someone that struggles with such issues of self-esteem the way I do, but please don't misinterpret that for trying to seek attention or trying to throw a pity party for myself.  It is quite the opposite.  Unfortunately, it is simply that I do in fact have an opinion of myself that is just that LOW.

     I don't like being the center of attention.  I hate when things happen to me that cause people to look my way.  That being said, it is no big surprise that my body becomes wracked with anxiety at just the thought of going anywhere alone with my many children and service animal.  Circus side show waiting to happen!  It is usually better when there is another adult with me.  Why, you ask? Not a damn clue, but it usually is.  Unless, of course, they themselves are causing a bigger scene than we would make all on our own.  

     I won't fight for your attention.  I won't try to make you see that I have value.  I will do my absolute best to blend in to the woodworking and melt into the wall. Why don't I talk to you?  Because you aren't safe.  Why don't I talk to you? Because you are so quick to judge that you don't ever really understand my struggles and where I might be coming from.  Why don't I talk to you? Because you aren't listening...hearing what I say isn't enough...you have to be willing to LISTEN...and maybe bring some wine to loosen my tongue.

Book Review: Creatura

Book Review

Purchase this book here! Creatura (The Creatura Series Book 1)

This was our book club pick for the month of May.  I struggled with this read a little bit because I felt I was being told a story rather than being shown a story so it made it difficult for me to escape into it.  I felt like there were times when the plot dragged enough to lose my attention if I didn't really devote the time to plug into it; then other parts of it were very action packed and I was kept turning pages.  I felt like there either needed to be more consistent action and suspense throughout the whole book, or the action and suspense that did exist needed to be more balanced throughout the book.  The one thing about this book that really bothered me though was how throughout the majority it is told in the first person from the perspective of Isis but then about halfway through the book and then again at the end it suddenly switches perspectives and is then being told in the first person through the eyes of someone else.  Those parts felt like a very choppy transition.  I think that could have been written in a different manner in order to still show those perspectives without it affecting the flow of the storyline.  I will say, however, that it left quite a cliffhanger right at the end that for whatever reason I was not anticipating.  It left me almost wanting to pick up the next book in the series.  Almost, but not quite.  I gave this read 2/5 stars.

Book Review: The Shadow of the Wind

Book Review

Purchase this book here!  The Shadow of the Wind (The Cemetery of Forgotten Book 1)

I found this book on the shelves of the local thrift store and picked it up because the concept intrigued me.  I was sucked in from the first sentence.  A Cemetery of Forgotten Books?!  I was completely fascinated with the idea that books are tucked away, hidden and all but forgotten about by society as a whole.  It became an obsession to learn about this mysterious author included with the added suspense of doing so while someone was simultaneously attempting to destroy every copy of this author's books had me turning pages faster and faster in order to find out what was going to happen next and who this author was!  While I have never been to Barcelona myself, and have never before considered it a location of interest, I have since added it to my travel bucket list; if for no other reason than to complete the walking tour of Barcelona that is included at the back of the book.  This was a wonderful read!  I hope to one day read more from this author!  I gave this book 4/5 stars. 

Book Review: A Girl's Guide To Moving On

Book Review

Purchase this book here! A Girl's Guide to Moving On

This is the second book in what I believe to be a trilogy by Debbie Macomber.  I have read several books from this author in the past and have always enjoyed her work.  I found that even though this was the second book, I hadn't lost much of the story by not having read the first book other than possibly some backstory from a different minor character in this book.  In A Girl's Guide to Moving On, a mother and her daughter-in-law both divorce their husbands because they have discovered that they were being cheated on.  In order to help themselves heal, these women created a guide to moving on with different rules to follow such as making new friends, and getting involved in something in order to give back to the community.  I found this to be a fun, easy read that had a few good tips for how to move on from any lost relationship be it romantic, familial, or friendship.  I did however find myself confused multiple times due to the fact that the book was written in first person but from alternating viewpoints.  Several times I had to check back to the beginning of the chapter to remember who's head I was in.  I think this could have been presented in a better way in order to present less confusion on behalf of the reader.  All in all, I felt it was a decent read and would recommend this book to others that enjoy reading this genre.  I gave this book 3/5 stars.

Book Review: Mastered

Book Review

Purchase this book here! Mastered (The Enforcers series)

Mastered is the first book in a new series written by Maya Banks.  This book is certainly not for the light of heart.  There is plenty of adult language as well as some extremely adult scenes and concepts.  However, that being said, I found myself drawn in from the start by Evangeline; we have a lot in common.  She is a hard working woman who sacrifices much of her own desires for the needs of her family.  I can certainly relate to that feeling.  In this book, the author flirts with that line of being not realistic enough but then again, it is called fiction for a reason, so who am I to judge?  And what hard working woman wouldn't fantasize of being swept off her feet and adored by a guy with so much money he could likely use it for toilet paper if he wanted to?!  

I also found myself relating to Evangeline in the sense that she struggles with her lack of self confidence and that is something I've struggled with for much of my life.  I enjoyed seeing through her eyes and how she worked through it with the additional doting attentions of a man with a good heart.  A pleasant read that didn't require too much intense thinking and could be easily read in the evenings with a nice glass of wine to melt away the day.  This book is not life changing by far, but was certainly the first in a series I intend to continue.  The end left me literally stomping my feet and pissed as hell that the next book doesn't get released until mid-May!  Are you kidding me?! You can't leave me with a cliffhanger like that! What happens?!?!  Guess none of us will ever know....yet.  This is definitely a series to just have all books in the series on hand for ease of just grabbing the next one! I gave this book 4/5 stars.

Book Review: The Someday Jar

Book Review:

Purchase this book here! The Someday Jar

I found this to be an easy read that had me laughing out loud, sharing quotes with friends, rooting for the good guy, hating the Ass-hat, wiping some tears, and laughing some more.  This book also came with an inspiring life message that has me wanting to go find the nearest craft store and making my own Someday Jar as well as one for each of my kiddos.  Was it a little predictable? Yes, maybe.  However, sometimes you just need a feel good book that leaves you wanting to go after your own dreams in life.  I highly recommend this read.  Go get yourself a copy and then make yourself a Someday Jar of your own!  You likely won't regret it! I gave this book 5/5 stars

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Book Review: Slip of the Tongue

Book Review:

Purchase this book here! Slip of the Tongue

This was the first book I have read by Jessica Hawkins and I must say I was very impressed with her writing ability!  I was hooked pretty quickly and the emotional intensity of the book kept me turning the pages even if the storyline was a little predictable.  I spent much of the book empathizing with Sadie, even if she did come across as a bit entitled, and despising Nathan.  It wasn't until after I finished the book and had conversed with another friend of mine that had read the book recently that I discovered that part of the reason I reacted so strongly to Nathan had less to do with his bad behavior and more to do with the fact that I am experiencing many of the same life events he is and didn't want to acknowledge the similarities in my own life and marriage.  I gave this book 4/5 stars.  I will certainly be watching for future works by Jessica Hawkins!

Yet Another Attempt To Reactivate My Blogging Efforts

It has been over a year since my last post.  In the mean time, I have been busy with the funny farm that is my life with 2 horses, 3 adults, 4 children(including a set of toddler twins), and 5 dogs.  I am also working full time on my doctorate degree in Education.  In addition to that, the last several months have not been kind being that several life events have taken place that have added additional strain on my family that include but are not limited to the sudden unexpected death of an immediate family member, another close family member being moved to hospice as he reaches the end of his life span, and multiple confrontations with mental illness both for myself as well as others around me rearing their ugly heads.  So here we go.  I am taking another stab at blogging.  Thanks to help from my friend over at The Bohemian Housewife I am involved with a new online book club where part of the process is not just reading books to discuss but also reviewing them on our blogs.  Most of the book club members are active authors and bloggers, and then there is me.  Who has a blog and attempts to use it periodically for multiple different avenues.  Maybe someday I will get the hang of this.  Or maybe not.  Who knows? Guess we will see!

Book Review: The Kuthun

Book Review

Purchase this book here! The Kuthun: A Cole Witches Novel

The Kuthun is a book written by S.A. Carter about sixteen year old Elena Cole and her adventures to break a generations long curse that has been placed on the women in her family all the way back to the time of the Ancient Egyptians.  I found this coming of age story to be a decent read.  It was a little difficult to get into at first but once the story line picked up a bit I found myself pulled into Elena's adventure to break her family's curse.  The sarcastic wit that Carter weaved into the story helped pull the story along and kept me reading in a few spots towards the beginning and I found Elena's spunky best friend Phoebe to be quite a riot.  In the end, I gave this book a rating of 3/5 stars.   

Book Review: Ticker

Book Review:

Purchase this book here! Ticker

I greatly enjoyed this read.  This is my first dive into the steampunk genre and I was pleasantly surprised!  Author Lisa Mantchev does a wonderful job of pulling you into the action from page one and keeps up the pace throughout the book.  Ticker is about a young woman named Penny Farthing who is the world's first Augmented human.  She has a clockwork heart and she is racing against time to save her family as well as herself.  I found Penny to be quite a spitfire with one heck of a sense of sarcasm.  I loved the humor that was used throughout the book mostly due to the fact that much of the one liners that Mantchev produces are things I could totally see myself using were I to be in a similar circumstance!  I found it a wonderful introduction to the steampunk genre with enough description that I was not lost but not so much that I felt that the literature had been dumbed down to suit every single reader.  I quickly found myself lost in Mantchev's alternate universe and found myself at several points unable to put down the book until I found out what happened next.  I also had the opportunity to listen to part of the book in audiobook form thank's to Audible's sale of the book and found it to be wonderfully narrated as well.  A wonderful read all around! I look forward to reading more from this author.  Book Rating: 4/5

Book Review: Before I Go

Book Review:

Purchase this book here! Before I Go

     I loved this book!  This is one of those books where you know the ending when you begin, and yet, by the end it feels like you have forgotten that you already knew the ending.  Daisy has a charming way of sneaking into your heart when you aren't looking and taking up residence there.  Her sarcastic wit and brutal honesty strikes a cord in me that I didn't expect.  And Jack!  Everyone needs a Jack in their life!  Bless his heart, he loves Daisy so much!  We all need a Jack to love us in our unlovable moments.  A dear friend and fellow book reviewer warned me that this was the kind of book I would need tissues for but I didn't listen.  My husband discovered me late last night sobbing like a baby over the contents of this book.  I think he thought I had grown another head.  I tried to explain it to him but he just didn't get it.  "They are just fictional characters!" he cried.  To which I promptly responded, "Yet my heart breaking is so very real!"  His response was just to roll his eyes at me.  Before I go is just one of those books.  You know the kind, those that are so heartbreakingly real that you will likely never be capable of reading it again but the book will forever hold a piece of your heart.  The kind of book that leaves you thinking about the heartache it created for weeks to come.   I would highly recommend this book to anyone, especially those dealing with grief or cancer in their lives.  Before I go gives a beautiful yet realistic sneak peek into the world of someone that is faced with their own mortality and those that care about them most.  However, be forewarned, you may find that you are not the advanced griever that you think you are.  Book rating: 5/5

Book Review: Am I Pretty?

Book Review:

Purchase this book here! Am I Pretty?

     Am I Pretty? is a book written by Lindsey Jensen Berke and illustrated by Susan Shorter.  I found this book to be an enjoyable read with a really good message for children about the real meaning of the word pretty.  It is so important for young children to know and understand that beauty is not only on the surface, but rather it is who you are on the inside that determines their beauty.  This picture book is clearly aimed at a young audience, but I found that any age can appreciate the message it conveys.  My young elementary children enjoyed the story and illustrations and the message led to a meaningful follow up conversation.  This book would be great in classrooms and would make a wonderful teaching tool for educators.  The only thing I would have liked to see differently, is I would like to have seen the interaction with Julia's classmates to have been resolved, possibly with Julia returning to school and teaching her classmates what she learned from her mom.  Other than that I thought it was a great picture book! Rating 4/5

Writer's Workshop: My Friend

Dear Future Self,
     Before you decide you need another guy to call your best friend, look around you.  You have a wonderful husband, a beautiful family that always keeps you busy, and your life is full of amazing people that are there for you when you really need them.  You do not need another guy in your life who will break down your protective walls only to leave you heartbroken in the end.  You are not 16 anymore.  Your life need not be wrapped up in changing yourself to be "good enough" to be deemed someone's friend.  You are good enough just the way you are.  You care more than just about anyone, almost to the point of being a detriment to yourself.  You have the honest desire to help those that you care about in order to help them find happiness.  You deserve happiness too.  You are smart and full of wit.  Someone who need not define themselves in another human being other than yourself.  It is time to move on from the past.  Seek out what you need from those around you that care enough to stick around even when you are not perfect.  It is ok to make mistakes.  It is ok to need people.  It is ok to ask for help.  It is even ok to take time off and go to book club, even when you are behind on your work!  It is ok to be yourself.  Some may not like you for who you are.  That is ok.  But many people will.  Be yourself, and eventually you will find those that will be begging to ask, "Will you be my friend?"  

Yet another post about being MIA

     So yet again I begin another post regarding how absent I have been on this blog and how I intend to try once again to revive it.  I always have the best of intentions and then life rears it's ugly head and I am again swallowed into the abyss that is my life.  The best I can offer is that I will try once more to be more consistent.  Why you ask? Because I want to.  I still believe this to be a place for me to write about things in my life where I don't have to edit for who will read it.  Although, with each step that I take to try to revive it, my blog becomes more and more public.  Oh well, such is life.  This revival has been prompted by some dear friends of mine in my book club.  They have begun blogs of their own and are reviewing books that are either recently published or have not yet been published.  It got me thinking, that there really is no reason for me to not join in the fun.  I love to read (when I can), I enjoy writing (when I give myself the time to do it), why not try a few book reviews of my own? So here I am, back on the trusty old blog that patiently waits for me to give it a bit of attention.  A revived effort! Here is hoping that I can stick with it this time.  Knowing my skill for starting things and not sticking with them, I am going to start slow and ease myself into it rather than jumping in with both feet the way I usually do only to have life swallow me whole and not stick with it.  I, frankly, like the idea of reviewing books and would like it to become an ongoing thing that I do on a regular basis.  I can't predict anything yet, but I am going to give it the old college try!  That and I hope to get some of the writer's workshop blog posts back up and running as well.  So check back!  Let's see what I come up with!

Writer's Workshop: 10 things I don't know how to do

This list could get interesting.  There are a lot of times when people ask you to make a list of things you can do but a list of what you don't know how to do is different.  Here goes nothing!

10. I don't know how to skydive but would like to learn.
9. I don't know how to cook and am not very motivated to learn, mostly because it NEVER turns out well!
8. I don't know how to fix anything related to the car, I am however, skilled at popping tires (two at a time) with potholes in the road. (Sadly, I've actually done that twice now with two different cars)
7. I don't know how to put a book down less than 50 pages from the end.
6. I don't know how to play video games to save my life (hah!), unless of course it is Super Mario Brothers from the original Nintendo.
5. I don't have a clue how to lie effectively when under pressure!
4. I don't know how in the world I ended up having twins! For people like me it should be illegal! ;P
3. I don't have a clue how to have a healthy sex life for anything other than for the purpose of reproduction. (My poor husband!)
2. I don't know how to feed baby food to my twins simultaneously by myself (the one time I tried, by the end, all three of us were having meltdowns.)
1. I don't know how to figure out who I am...all I know are the roles I fill...daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, teacher, student, etc.

MIA

  Missing in Action.  That would describe my blogging efforts as of late.  Blogging seems to help me process stuff but other than the Writer's Workshop I just completed, I haven't done much blogging as of late.  Which is bizarre because I have just a touch more free time now.  Sorta but not really.  I have no doubt that next to no one is actually following other than ones that I publicly link but maybe that is for the better.  As of the last October I bonked my head and was worried that I might be pregnant yet again.  If I had known then what was in store for me I might have preferred to be pregnant.  Two weeks after I bonked my head I had to leave work because I felt like someone was stabbing me in my uterus.  Long story short I ended up in the hospital for almost a week while they tried to figure out what was wrong.  They had no solutions and insurance was breathing down the dr's neck to diagnose or discharge. I was sent home with a follow up appointment with my OB/GYN.  She had only one other potential solution.  Hysterectomy.  I was desperate for relief from the pain so I agreed to do it.  Upon analysis of my uterus they found that one of my fibroids was dying off which my Dr. says would be like having a heart attack in the uterus.  They also found another fibroid to be pre-cancerous.  Blessing in disguise? I guess so, but I'm still not sure.  Between that and more complications with our Commander in Chief, having our car broken into, identity stolen, bank account emptied two days before Christmas, applying for graduate school, quitting my job to be home with the twins so my husband could sleep more, being accepted into graduate school and taking on more credits than I should have, and volunteering in Princess Bubbles' classroom, life has been a little crazy!  But I enjoy blogging so I'm making an attempt to just pick up where I left off and continue on.  Time will tell if I can be consistent with it for more than like a month at a time.  We shall see!

 

 

Writer's Workshop: 

Someone I Talked to Today(Well, Yesterday)

"So what you are telling me is I have just completely wasted my time here at urgent care and now we are going to have to sit through the whole process AGAIN at the ER when I could have just started there in the first place!"

"No, ma'am that is not what I am saying.  I am saying that she does not look ill enough to warrant a direct admit to the hospital but it is my recommendation that we transport her by ambulance so she can be monitored to the emergency room where they can make that decision."

"Like I said, I have obviously just completely wasted my time here because we are still at step 1."

Are you freaking kidding me?! Ok, let me back up slightly.  My four year old Commander in Chief has asthma.  Her ONLY trigger is when she gets some kind of upper respiratory illness.  In the last three years she has been admitted to the hospital six times for the SAME things, displaying the SAME symptoms!  She appears to be just a child with a cold having a little trouble breathing.  What the doctor's don't seem to understand is that given her history I know what will happen.  Come time to go to bed at night because her body has been working so hard to keep her oxygen levels up throughout the day, her little body stops fighting so hard when she sleeps and those oxygen levels plummet!  As soon as they do we have to put her on oxygen and we are automatically hospitalized for a minimum of 48 hours.  When we can get her admitted proactively and they begin aggressive breathing treatments we can go home in 24 hours.  

We learned this the last time we had to do this.  Back in January.  By taking her to urgent care, they call her pediatrician and given her history and symptoms they do a direct admit to the hospital and we can bypass the multiple hour wait in the ER.  Which with a four year old who is tired, grouchy, and ill is a nightmare.  Given that this was an effective method last time, we started with urgent care.  

Only this Dr was a complete ass.  He wouldn't even call her pediatrician to discuss it.  He then comes in and tells me that while he doesn't see her as ill enough to be admitted, we should take her to the ER to be seen and that he is recommending that we do an ambulance transport because she needs to be monitored.  

SERIOUSLY?! I was so frustrated I nearly pulled my hair out!!! So, since he refused, I called her pediatrician, and was basically in tears explaining the situation to her.  Thankfully she understands my frustration with this process.  She called down to the ER department before we got there and spoke with the attending prior to our arrival.  As it turned out, given the frequency of our stays the Pediatric Resident on shift remembered us, so luckily, between the two, they went ahead and agreed to admit her overnight for observation so that we could begin the aggressive breathing treatments.  So here I sit.  Once again, correct once again about MY child, DESPITE the stupid Dr's that refuse to listen to the MOTHER who has done this SEVEN times now, waiting to complete the process so that we can go home.  Don't get me wrong, I usually do exactly what the Dr's tell us to do, but when it comes to the Commander in Chief, I KNOW my kid!  I'm not some neglectful parent who doesn't know crap about my child and enjoys staying in the hospital.  I have three other kids at home that need me.  TRUST ME, I'd rather be home!

Writer's Workshop: 10 things you have said to your kids that other moms wouldn't say.

Writer's Workshop: 10 things you have said to your kids that other moms wouldn't say.

I really should start keeping a list of these because out of context there are some really good ones! Only problem is, now that I am being asked to make a list, I can't remember them! Mommy fail! Oh well, I will try to dig through some resources to find some good ones.

1. "We don't wake big sister up from nap by banging her over the head repeatedly with a school bus!"

2. "Stop climbing the doorframe! I did not give birth to a monkey and we aren't going to start now."

3. "If you don't go to sleep right now I am going to call the police and have them come take you away because you aren't listening to your mommy and that is against the law."

4. "Go find the other (insert name here) and come back out when you have found her!" (Thinking it will be my fault when my kid develops a split personality. She has actually started doing it to her self. "I'm going to go find the other (insert own name)!")

5. "We didn't email the tooth fairy in time. She will come tomorrow night." (Translation, Mommy forgot to get cash, why can't kids accept credit cards for tooth fairy money?)

6. "Where did you throw your head?! You better find it before we get out of this car or I am taking your head away and throwing it in the trash!" (Anyone else remember the doll heads from McDonalds a few years back? Yea, made for AWESOME jokes between Daddy and I during the road trip. We sought inspiration from the old movie Eight Heads In a Duffle Bag.)

7. "Does it smell dirty? Here let's spray it with Febreeze so you can wear it again. Even I can't do laundry in ten seconds!" (Worst mom EVER!)

8. "You can't say that word until you are 18. That's why Mommy and Daddy can, we are old."

9. "No I will not kiss your butt to make it better, go ask your dad."

10. "If you touch your sister one more time, I just might cut your fingers off!"

Thinking I need to start keeping a list. It would make an awesome annual post. "This year I will try not to repeat these statements again because they probably aren't the most supportive of my children." Oh well, such is life in our household! After all, I already warned you I am certifiable! ;)

Twin Fussies

Twin Fussies

I am a mother of three month old twins. As well as a mother of a four year old and a six year old. My favorite phase of the stages we have been through thus far is the first stage. The newborn phase, the infant phase, the baby phase. I have other fond phases as well as some I am not so fond of in addition to phases, lets face it, I'm terrified of to come. But at the moment, my favorite is the phase I am smack dab in the middle of it....at least that used to be my favorite phase...apparently I just lucked out with two fairly easy babies...guess I am now making up for it. I didn't ask for twins. I love them and would never give them up, but I didn't ask for this. Is that selfish and wrong of me to say? How dare I question my children. But if I can't be honest behind a blog of anonymity where can I be honest? People see me out in public and talk about how double blessed I am....can someone please help me see this? Feeling like a failure on a daily basis because I can not produce enough milk for them, feeling like I don't measure up against the mommies that have it all together, feeling like a failure because I financially as well as for the sake of my sanity be a stay at home mom, feeling like a failure because most of my days whether it is one, the other or both I can NOT GET THEM TO STOP CRYING! I understand they are premature. I understand that they don't know better. I understand that they aren't trying to be difficult or fussy. I understand that they don't know what they are doing to my heart when I hear that once again my husband, who works nights, didn't get any sleep because they wouldn't stop fussing, or when they get themselves all worked up and can't calm themselves down, or when I am up most of the night with them.....I understand that, I do, but how many days can you go through this before you start to feel as if you are being cheated out of something? So many people say they have always wanted twins...I never felt that way. I was perfectly ok with one baby at a time. Because I could pour myself into that one little person and show them all the love I had. Now I feel divided and like neither of Themis getting the mommy they deserve. AND THEY WON'T STOP FUSSING. Nothing makes you feel like a failure faster than not knowing how to make them stop crying. NOTHING WORKS.....there is a part of me that wishes we had them one at a time and then I immediately feel wracked with shame. How dare I say something like that when people fight for years just to have one and here my body produced two all on its own! I suffer from severe anxiety...not a good combination when it comes to having children let alone twins....I don't know what I am doing! I crave the moments when they finally sleep....I let them sleep past feeding time as long as they just stay sleeping! I feel like I am missing out on my favorite phase because I am living for the times when they are asleep. I want to hug and love on them and have them look at me and smile....that's it! But instead I hug and love on them and they don't make eye contact with me and smiles for me are few and very far between.....and they cry...and they fuss....and they frown...and they look ANYWHERE but at their mommy...God sure has a sense of humor...or something...people like me shouldn't be allowed to have twins...I don't know what I am doing...and so I sit here...feeling like I'm drowning....drowned out by the cries of my dear sweet beautiful twin fussies that I can't do right by no matter what I try...

Pour Your Heart Out: A Bonk On The Head

A Bonk On The Head



I bonked my head about two weeks ago. I know what you are thinking, yea and? Every time I bonk my head....wait for it....I end up pregnant. It is the ONLY time I bonk my head! Ever! Let me back up and explain.

About three months after my husband and I got married I was at work like any other day. I was speaking with another teacher and a child had crawled behind me and I stepped back slightly, lost my balance and fell backwards. I cracked my head on the ground so hard I saw stars. After a trip to urgent care and the hospital for an MRI(?) and having my head thoroughly examined, it was determined that there was nothing there. However it appeared to have knocked loose my uterus or something because two weeks later I ended up knocked up. (My husband had been told by two different doctors that he was sterile. So we decided we wouldn't actively try for kids yet, but we wouldn't prevent either.) Imagine our surprise when we got that positive test!

Fast forward two years. The week before, I had found out that we were expecting our second child. Again I was at work (different state, different work), I had rushed over to the infant room from the toddler room to find the bathroom because I was having trouble with the morning sickness and there was no adult bathroom in the toddler room. You had to go outside to travel between the two rooms. As I was headed back to the toddler room, one of the infant teachers called me back to tell me something. I turned back right as I stepped on the door mat, which just so happened to have a layer of ice between it and the ground outside. Down I went! And yep, you guessed it! Bonked my head. My husband teased me THE WHOLE pregnancy "Maybe we are having twins." (God has a sick sense of humor! Just keep reading.)
Fast forward three years. I was, again, at work(funny about that), and bent over to pick up something on the ground near the wall. As I came back up I cracked the back of my head on the subwoofer that was attached to the wall. I cracked my head so hard I nearly blacked out. Again, off to have my head examined and again, nothing was found. Two weeks later I had a miscarriage.

Fast forward to last year. I randomly hit my head on the car as I was trying to buckle my daughter into her car seat. At this point we know that hitting my head, while a joke and coincidence the first two times, obviously means something's up because it happens EVERY TIME and ONLY then. So we laugh but carry on. Later that week I decide to take a test to get it out of the house because it has been laying around for awhile and I didn't want to just throw away an unused pregnancy test. Well, hello in there! Yep, you guessed it! Pregnant again! We were ecstatic. A little nervous being that we had miscarried last year but we figured that was just a fluke. I miscarried at 8 weeks.

Fast forward a month after second miscarriage. Suspected that I was pregnant. Took a test that showed up negative. Randomly cracked the back of my head getting back in the car after taking the test and knew the test had to be wrong. Tested again 3 days later, bing! Positive! Proceeded to end up hitting my head several times in the following week or two. Funny enough, I was preggo with twins. We spent much of the pregnancy excited, nervous and scared as hell. Hubby spent the whole pregnancy trying to convince me the sonograms were showing a third hidden baby.

My twins are just barely three months old as of this last Monday, and my husbands thought triplets would be funny when I was carrying my twins, and God has proven to have a sense of humor.

I bonked my head about two weeks ago...

Desperate Twin Mommy

Dear Mother's milk tea,
You had to taste like licorice. Ick! Why can't you be in pill form like Brewers Yeast? You better be worth it!

Sincerely,
Desperate Twin Mommy

Sunglasses

Things have been a struggle lately. I feel like I'm fighting to stay alive treading water with all I've got and drowning all at the same time. When I don't talk about it, I'm called out for saying I'm ok when I am obviously not. When I'm open about how I'm feeling I'm told that it isn't the way I see it to be or I'm over reacting or you must be tired, go to bed and you will feel better in the morning. Which to some extent works because it allows time for the metaphorical and sometimes actual sunglasses these days to get themselves in place. I have always believed that eyes are windows to the soul. With sunglasses you can't see what is inside. It allows me to hide away how I really feel and "pretend" I've figured it all out in my head. I haven't. I'm lying! See that I'm lying! I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm jealous as hell about everything and everyone, I'm lonely, I'm exhausted, I'm ready to give up but in the same breath I want to keep trying because there are so many things that make it SOOO worth it! I got in trouble the last time I allowed myself to sever into two like this, the real me and the me people want to see. If I remember correctly it was just after the miscarriage when we lost the baby at 8 weeks. Severed to the extreme that my doc called it borderline PTSD. I fear we are headed back down that road, I see and feel myself spiraling but I can't make it stop and no one gets it or knows how to step in and bump me back on track. I don't recognize myself anymore. People don't seem to recognize me either. I've changed. Yes I have, but can't you see I'm trying to get out of this hole? No, it's easier just to believe I'm not the same and brush it off so that you don't have to deal with the messiness that is my reality at the moment. Apparently most of my friendships are that of convenience. When it works for them or things are great no problem. But when stuff gets real and gets hard they check out till I'm "normal" again. Which further encourages the severing process. I don't have enough friends to begin with to be able to manage losing the few I've got. And so, for now, I continue to hide. I keep my sunglasses close at hand, as I sever a little more each and every day...and with it goes a bit more of "me" with each slice...

Writers Workshop: YouTube faves!

The prompt I went with this week was to pick five favorite videos off of you tube. So here is what I've got. Enjoy!

#1 Que Sera
I love this just because it is so stinking cute to see this little girl trying to sing with her mommy(I think?)!

#2 Evolution of Dance
Love this! It's hilarious, fun, and reminds you of tons of songs you grew up on!

#3 Treadmill Dancing
A favorite from way back! I'm sure several of you have seen this!

#4 Pregnant and I know it
Another real popular one lately. Discovered it while I was pregnant with my twins. Laughed sooooo hard! And still do!

#5 Old school Jeff Dunham
My husband and I love him! This clip is from back before he made it big!

And I tend to be one of those over achievers so here is a sixth video for you that I think is totally awesome!

#6 Marching band awesomeness
Reminds me of my high school band days but this is even better! How many video games can you pick out?! Watch for the horse, its awesome! And the ending is totally fun too! It is a little long but totally worth it!

Pour Your Heart Out: Happy Birthday

"Happy Birthday!"

A simple phrase that for some reason means more than it should. I suppose it is something I should have grown out of, but I haven't. Why you ask? Hah! Probably because I'm a glutton for punishment! Let me go back.

As a child, my birthday had the same anticipation as Christmas for most people. Never could understand why, but it did. And almost every year it let me down so I would hope for the next year. In middle school the big thing was to have balloons on your birthday. Your friends would buy you balloons and bring them to school for you to tie on your backpack. Almost like a huge sign that reminded the rest of the school to wish you a happy birthday. I was diligent in this activity, being sure my friends, the few I had, had balloons to tie to their backpacks. But for whatever reason, no one ever did the same for me. "I forgot, I'm sorry." Or my personal favorite, "I wanted to but my parents wouldn't let me!" Oh you are so full of crap! Just tell the truth! "It wasn't important to me enough to bother." I was so pathetic that I told my dad this tradition and so from then on he would go and get me a balloon for my birthday and hide it in the coat closet for me to find, tie on my backpack and wear to school. I know, way lame right? I think the truth of it is, I just wanted to be reminded that I wasn't just another person roaming the planet but that I mattered too.

I don't even remember high school other than hearing large choruses of people singing happy birthday to people and my birthday passing fairly quietly. I guess you could say I have kind of brought it on myself. I don't remind people of my birthday anymore because I kinda want to see if it is important enough for them to remember on their own. Sadly, they usually don't.

For instance, today is my birthday. My husband got confused on the dates and thought the 10th was yesterday. But then today, has yet to say anything. Facebook sends it cute little reminder to everyone so sure, I have 15 or so random people from my life wishing me a happy birthday but it isn't very personal at all. Just the obligatory, "I don't have an excuse" kinda thing. But the people in my everyday life? Nope, not a word. Even though some of them actually have Facebook to and have even gotten the obnoxious reminder! Work, where they talk about how different they are here about birthdays and such, no one has say even so much as a "Happy Birthday". It's noon and I already want to say the hell with it all.

I don't know why I set myself up for disappointment, I know it is going to happen year after year. People have tried to organize surprise parties for me and they never work because people just can't ever make it. I throw a birthday party and only a small few show. Don't get me wrong, I know I sound selfish. It isn't that I'm not excited about the people that cared enough about me to make it happen, it is just depressing to me to see how once again I just don't quite measure up. Once again, I'm just not quite good enough to be remembered.

Oh, and my birthday present to myself? Was pumping this morning, usually I get 2 oz of breast milk in the morning. This morning? Nothing. Literally nothing. Happy birthday to me! I give up!

Next year I think I will call in sick and not tell anyone and just go hide somewhere and get lost in a book until it is another day. After all, hopefully tomorrow will be better...but of course it will, because it will no longer be my birthday! Because after all, my birthdays suck.

Wrong

I feel like everything in my life is wrong. Shouldn't have said that, shouldn't have done that, shouldn't have felt that, shouldn't shouldn't shouldn't....shouldn't intervene, shouldn't be curious, shouldn't care, shouldn't offer my opinion...not sure why I care...

Blog post fail

I'm staring at a blank screen and don't know what to write about. And so I sit...and stare. So much going on inside and yet I seem to be cut off from it all....nothing seems important enough to write about. Doubting that anyone actually reads these other than the few that followed my link on the writer's workshop thing....so I guess it doesn't matter what I write about....I still got nothin...blog post fail.

Wait...WHAT?!?!

Writer's Workshop: Share a moment when you felt overwhelmed.
I'm only supposed to have moments?! I think most of my life I feel overwhelmed about one thing or another. Lol oh well, here goes. But you are getting two moments well, stories, they both lasted more than a moment. Deal. ;)

Wait...WHAT?!?!

January 11th, 2012 Early morning
Having a ultrasound today. I am eight weeks pregnant. We are excited but reserved. I lost a baby on October 16th of this last year at eight weeks. This appointment is to check on the baby and be sure that everything is starting up ok. I'm really nervous. You see, I have had two miscarriages since the birth of my then youngest daughter. One happened in November of 2010 and then again this last October. I'm afraid we aren't meant to have anymore children. My stomach hurts from the anticipation of this visit.

My friend and I talk about what the baby will look like at this stage. I have been canvassing the web finding pictures of 8 week ultrasounds. With my first two children I didn't get a sneak peek inside until 20 or so weeks when they determined the gender. I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up.
The technician comes in and has me lay back on the table. My friend and I are chit chatting as the image comes up on screen. The technician is only barely getting focused on the correct area of my uterus when something crosses the screen that shouldn't have. A extra "bubble". She is already trying to skim over it.

"WAIT! WHAT?! IS THAT....NO...SURELY IT'S NOT..."




"Twins. There is two in there." The technician answered for me.

"WHA????" I looked at my friend in hopes that she could help me process this information. I was completely shell shocked...

She put her hand on my arm and said calmly because she is always calm like that, so glad I had her with me!, "Sweetie, you are having twins."

"WHA?! BUT! WAIT!" (No, those are not typo's. I wasn't finishing words let alone making complete sentences! The airhead in me comes out in all her shining glory.) "HOW?" At this point I felt almost completely numb from shock. I could not process what was going on around me.

The technician and my friend looked at each other and kinda laughed. Hence my need to clarify, "No, I mean, I know how! But, well, how did this happen? I wasn't taking anything to help with fertility and this doesn't run in my family! I'm so confused!"

Technician: "Sometimes it just happens."

My eyes fill with tears as I look back at my friend and I can see her eyes are filled with tears too. "It is just like your sister in law. She lost one and almost immediately ended up with two."

"Yes, honey, like my sister in law."

"I wish she was still here now."

"Me too, sweetie, me too."

I hurried home to show my husband. Are you ready for this?! His response to the ultrasound picture?! He laughed!!! Are you kidding me?! I was freaking out!!!

And I thought having two children running around was overwhelming! I had two babies inside of me. I was going to be huge! I was going to be doing double everything! Surely God was kidding! This was a cosmic joke of some kind! People with anxiety disorders like me shouldn't be allowed to get pregnant with twins! What was He thinking?! And then the fear set in...twins have a higher risk of miscarriage. I couldn't keep a single baby in, how was I going to make two stick?! Now what?!

I spent the majority of the pregnancy totally spooked about this adventure!


Fast forward to July 14th, 2012
At this point I'm in the hospital due to the preeclampsia. I'm retaining huge amounts of water and have a constant headache that is so painful that I literally want to curl up and die. They have me on pain medication that is ten times stronger than Morphine. I'm a lightweight when it comes to medication so needless to say I was high as a kite...almost all of the time! They had just put in a PCA of the medication for me and I was trying to learn how to administer it frequently enough to keep the pain at bay but not so much that I would tap out and not be allowed more. Early that morning I was having some Braxton hicks but just to be on the safe side they sent me down to L&D triage to be checked out. This was before the night shift nurses got off so I had a nurse I had met before. (At this point I was getting to know a lot of them.) They hooked me up to the contraction monitor but nothing showed up so they gave me the standard talk about Braxton hicks and how at this stage of twin pregnancy it is common for me to be feeling them a lot. They felt like really bad menstrual cramps so I figured it was nothing being that it was nothing like the contractions I felt while in labor with my two girls.

So anyway, throughout the day my stomach would cramp up from time to time and I didn't think much of it. I didn't think much of anything honestly being that the pain killers were still fairly strong in my system.

Late that night the cramping was getting worse and worse. I was timing how long they hurt for and how frequently they were occurring. I kept telling my nurse that it hurt but it was nothing. We went through the same thing this morning and it was nothing. Finally she said enough and sent me downstairs again to be checked. It was hurting pretty bad so I finally agreed.

They get me on the monitors and again, nothing. I have the same triage nurse as I did this morning and she remembered me. She gave me the same talk about Braxton hicks at this stage of pregnancy. She called the dr who was covering for my OB who has just left for vacation. (Which as a side note, before things started getting complicated I had begged my dr to delivery these guys before she left town because something in me seemed to know something would happen while she was gone. Something I will never let her live down. I was soooo right!) The dr on call mentioned to the nurse that it is looking like they should deliver me tomorrow given the number of complications that were beginning to arise. I was floored. I remember turning to my husband and saying, "tomorrow?! It can't be tomorrow! It is too soon! That is not the plan!" My husband basically told me to stop over reacting. Lol.

The nurse came back (intuition or something nudged her) and asked when the last time I had been manually checked was. Given that she hadn't checked me that morning, it had been, well, several weeks. So just to be sure she decides to check me. Up her hand goes. It hurt really bad this time around! It felt like she kept pushing higher and higher! I can hear her muttering, "I feel it but I don't believe it..."

This does not help me stay calm at all. I'm afraid she is about to pull out an alien with massive claws or something! "Feel what?! Believe what?!"

The nurse checks the contraction monitor again, but again, there is nothing showing up, even though I'm in serious pain now! Even with the pain killers in my system! She leaves the curtained off area and finds her head nurse person. Note to all, the curtain isn't soundproof! I catch her saying 8cm but surely she couldn't be talking about me because after all, there were no contractions showing up on the monitor. And it just felt like the menstrual cramps from hell, not contractions! The other nurse comes in and shoves her hand up there too, what was this a meet and greet?! "Hey boss, I left you a surprise inside this patient, go pull it out and see what you think!"

She confirms the nurses suspicions, sure enough I was 8cm and they could feel the bag of water just sitting there. "Call the dr back, these babies are coming tonight!"

WAIT! WHAT?!

Tomorrow is all of a sudden sounding really good! Forget tomorrow! These babies can't come NOW!!!! I'm not ready! No one is here! There was a plan! We. Had. A. Plan. Our plan just flew out the window and took my coping skills with it. There was a reason for the plan. It was to prevent P-A-N-I-C!!

At this point they snagged all nurses on deck that were not working with critical in labor patients to help with me. They threw the locks off the gurney wheels and sent me flying down the hallway to prep me for an emergency C-section.

I had no time to actually process what was happening. I kept telling them to stop, to give me something for the pain(yea, I forgot that part, as soon as they knew it was labor they cut me off the pain meds so now I was feeling full on labor with no work up time AND the excruciating headache from the preeclampsia!), but it seemed like no one heard me! They were telling me things as they were doing them not before.

"I'm cutting your shirt off so we can get the gown on." Yes, yes you are cutting my shirt, thanks for asking me about it first! What if I liked that shirt and wanted to keep it?! I didn't, but what if I did?!

"Here drink this, it's gross but think of it like a shot. Down the hatch." seriously?! I'm dying and you want me to pretend this thing is a shot of whiskey? Give me real whiskey, damn it, this hurts!! "It neutralizes the stomach."

Bzzzz!! WTF? "We have to shave you for surgery." WAIT! I didn't sign on for this! Why are you touching me there with an electric razor?! Why didn't you ask me first?! I'm here too you know! And where is my husband?!...Oh, there he is, in the back corner, out of the way so they could do their job.....the hell with being in the way I need you here with me!

OW!! Seriously?! It hurts! Both babies are breech and Baby A is trying to push his butt out my hoo haw! Drugs! Give me drugs! Anything! Can't you tell I'm dying here?!?! Oh no, have to wait for the blood test results! Oh yea, at some point they pulled my blood to run tests. I've had lab work done at the hospital before and it takes forever to get results back! Do I get pushed to the front of the que because my babies are trying to come out upside down and backwards and no one noticed till now?! I thought being in the hospital was supposed to prevent this emergency thing! They were supposed to notice sooner!

I don't even remember being wheeled from the delivery room into the operating room. They sat me up, "hi doc, nice to see you, I'm dying can you tell? Btw, where is my husband?" What do you mean he can't come in here till I'm prepped?! The hell with that he should be forced to witness the most painful parts! So here I am on the operating table, contractions are making me want to die so I know I must be in transition now. If they don't hurry up this baby is going to push out backwards. My last kid came out in only 3 pushes, count 'em, 3!!! Now I'm supposed to lean over and STAY still! Seriously? I mean, really?! We are contracting hard, even though it still feels like menstrual cramps, my head wants to blow up, literally!, and they are stabbing me with a huge ass needle!

I'm going to die! I'm going to die! "Look doc, it was nice knowing you and all, tell my doc I told her to deliver me before she left! I'm going to die, tell my husband I love him being that you won't let him in!" She had the gall to laugh! Really? You Are Laughing?!

Bless her heart, she took pity on me and came up next to me and rubbed my head to help me through this and reassured me I wasn't going to die. The anesthesiologist had to stab me three times! Finally he got it in! What did my body do with the next contraction to thank him? Farted! Yea! Right in his face! Awesome! How else am I going to be tortured tonight?! Let's add humility to the list! After all, I think my modesty was stripped away as they cut my shirt off and shaved me down. To add insult to injury, when they finally laid me back, oh I felt so much better all of a sudden! He was my knight in shining armor! Forget my husband, he wasn't even there yet! This guy was hot!....do epidural's affect the brain? This guy was totally in the right profession! You provide relief to woman in their darkest hour! Surely I'm not the only pregnant laboring woman to hit on you right?! I told him he was hot like three times. My husband is convinced that if he weren't in the room(yea they finally let him in) I would have asked the guy out! Sad truth is it did cross my mind!

They taped my stomach down, weird is all I can say, but by this point I had stopped caring about it all. The pain had stopped, the rest I would deal with later. Out came my babies one after another which triggered a whole new overwhelming moment, but we won't get into that!

Leaves

Trying something new. Came across a blogger that does a Writing workshop every week and felt like trying it out. If you want to check it out for yourself here is where you can find her: Mama's Losin' it!

One of last week's prompts is the write a blog post inspired by the word: Leaves

Here goes nothing! Although what type of leaves wasn't clarified so leave it to me to go with the less obvious theme.

Leaves

Everyone always leaves. It is something I have come to accept in my life. No matter what, no matter how good I am, it never lasts. It started with my mom back when I was six. Although sometimes I wonder if mentally she left me long before that. Then my grandma at 9. Every older female role model in my life has been tolerant at first but always leaves in the end because they can not handle the intensity of what is, well, me. My friends seem to always be like that too. Something always happens and they say enough and walk away. Not just the "We grew apart" kinda thing, that is expected over the years. No, I'm talking about the, "Please don't ever talk to me again" kind.

Because of this I have grown up assuming that eventually everyone will leave me because I am just not good enough to keep around. So I've reached a point in my life that I can't keep making myself vulnerable to others because in the end it is me that is left abandoned like I never meant anything to them at all. Which leaves me to wonder, are they right? The common denominator is me. What is so terrible about me?

It is amazing how fast that core belief and fear can mess with the relationships you currently still have for the moment. I have become a jealous person of everyone other than myself. Let me tell you, that is like marriage suicide. I came head to head with this recently. Let me explain.

My husband gets along well with people. He may be a hermit by choice, but people like him. He used to have a lot of friends that were female. He tells me that the reason they all liked him was because he was helpful and supportive without having an additional agenda for them. I have always been jealous of this but it hasn't really mattered until recently. One of his old friends looked him up. Facebook is a wonderful thing....sometimes. I spooked. Because, after all, why would he not leave me, it's become my life, everyone leaves. I had fears of him walking off and leaving me and our four kids and falling for her and living happily ever after without me. Drove me insane! I spent a week having all kinds of issues! Now back up a moment with me. This has nothing to do with trusting my husband or not. It has everything to do with the fact that if I were to write and autobiography I could totally call it, "Everybody leaves" and it would be quite fitting! I have such a crappy view of myself that it doesn't matter what anyone says, I'm convinced that eventually they will give up on me and walk away.

So after tormenting myself for like a week I finally carve out some time for him and I to chat without the four vamps that are totally taking their job seriously and sucking the energy out of us double triple and now quadruple fold! I break down and tell him everything, and as kind of expected he gets kind of irritated. But who wouldn't right? I mean come on, really? He married me and we have four kids! He isn't going anywhere! But still, being me, I needed the reassurance. And after a bit of an awkward conversation, basically the crazy wife jealous over, well, literally nothing. At the end of the night here is what I came away with.

I may be jealous of others, and people may indeed leave. But the relationship that matters the most in my life. That of my husband and our marriage. At the end of the day, he picked me. He chose me. He wanted me. And there is nothing I could do that would change that. I even said as much.

"You picked me."

"Every time."

Everybody leaves....or do they?