Twin Fussies

Twin Fussies

I am a mother of three month old twins. As well as a mother of a four year old and a six year old. My favorite phase of the stages we have been through thus far is the first stage. The newborn phase, the infant phase, the baby phase. I have other fond phases as well as some I am not so fond of in addition to phases, lets face it, I'm terrified of to come. But at the moment, my favorite is the phase I am smack dab in the middle of it....at least that used to be my favorite phase...apparently I just lucked out with two fairly easy babies...guess I am now making up for it. I didn't ask for twins. I love them and would never give them up, but I didn't ask for this. Is that selfish and wrong of me to say? How dare I question my children. But if I can't be honest behind a blog of anonymity where can I be honest? People see me out in public and talk about how double blessed I am....can someone please help me see this? Feeling like a failure on a daily basis because I can not produce enough milk for them, feeling like I don't measure up against the mommies that have it all together, feeling like a failure because I financially as well as for the sake of my sanity be a stay at home mom, feeling like a failure because most of my days whether it is one, the other or both I can NOT GET THEM TO STOP CRYING! I understand they are premature. I understand that they don't know better. I understand that they aren't trying to be difficult or fussy. I understand that they don't know what they are doing to my heart when I hear that once again my husband, who works nights, didn't get any sleep because they wouldn't stop fussing, or when they get themselves all worked up and can't calm themselves down, or when I am up most of the night with them.....I understand that, I do, but how many days can you go through this before you start to feel as if you are being cheated out of something? So many people say they have always wanted twins...I never felt that way. I was perfectly ok with one baby at a time. Because I could pour myself into that one little person and show them all the love I had. Now I feel divided and like neither of Themis getting the mommy they deserve. AND THEY WON'T STOP FUSSING. Nothing makes you feel like a failure faster than not knowing how to make them stop crying. NOTHING WORKS.....there is a part of me that wishes we had them one at a time and then I immediately feel wracked with shame. How dare I say something like that when people fight for years just to have one and here my body produced two all on its own! I suffer from severe anxiety...not a good combination when it comes to having children let alone twins....I don't know what I am doing! I crave the moments when they finally sleep....I let them sleep past feeding time as long as they just stay sleeping! I feel like I am missing out on my favorite phase because I am living for the times when they are asleep. I want to hug and love on them and have them look at me and smile....that's it! But instead I hug and love on them and they don't make eye contact with me and smiles for me are few and very far between.....and they cry...and they fuss....and they frown...and they look ANYWHERE but at their mommy...God sure has a sense of humor...or something...people like me shouldn't be allowed to have twins...I don't know what I am doing...and so I sit here...feeling like I'm drowning....drowned out by the cries of my dear sweet beautiful twin fussies that I can't do right by no matter what I try...