Pour Your Heart Out: Happy Birthday

"Happy Birthday!"

A simple phrase that for some reason means more than it should. I suppose it is something I should have grown out of, but I haven't. Why you ask? Hah! Probably because I'm a glutton for punishment! Let me go back.

As a child, my birthday had the same anticipation as Christmas for most people. Never could understand why, but it did. And almost every year it let me down so I would hope for the next year. In middle school the big thing was to have balloons on your birthday. Your friends would buy you balloons and bring them to school for you to tie on your backpack. Almost like a huge sign that reminded the rest of the school to wish you a happy birthday. I was diligent in this activity, being sure my friends, the few I had, had balloons to tie to their backpacks. But for whatever reason, no one ever did the same for me. "I forgot, I'm sorry." Or my personal favorite, "I wanted to but my parents wouldn't let me!" Oh you are so full of crap! Just tell the truth! "It wasn't important to me enough to bother." I was so pathetic that I told my dad this tradition and so from then on he would go and get me a balloon for my birthday and hide it in the coat closet for me to find, tie on my backpack and wear to school. I know, way lame right? I think the truth of it is, I just wanted to be reminded that I wasn't just another person roaming the planet but that I mattered too.

I don't even remember high school other than hearing large choruses of people singing happy birthday to people and my birthday passing fairly quietly. I guess you could say I have kind of brought it on myself. I don't remind people of my birthday anymore because I kinda want to see if it is important enough for them to remember on their own. Sadly, they usually don't.

For instance, today is my birthday. My husband got confused on the dates and thought the 10th was yesterday. But then today, has yet to say anything. Facebook sends it cute little reminder to everyone so sure, I have 15 or so random people from my life wishing me a happy birthday but it isn't very personal at all. Just the obligatory, "I don't have an excuse" kinda thing. But the people in my everyday life? Nope, not a word. Even though some of them actually have Facebook to and have even gotten the obnoxious reminder! Work, where they talk about how different they are here about birthdays and such, no one has say even so much as a "Happy Birthday". It's noon and I already want to say the hell with it all.

I don't know why I set myself up for disappointment, I know it is going to happen year after year. People have tried to organize surprise parties for me and they never work because people just can't ever make it. I throw a birthday party and only a small few show. Don't get me wrong, I know I sound selfish. It isn't that I'm not excited about the people that cared enough about me to make it happen, it is just depressing to me to see how once again I just don't quite measure up. Once again, I'm just not quite good enough to be remembered.

Oh, and my birthday present to myself? Was pumping this morning, usually I get 2 oz of breast milk in the morning. This morning? Nothing. Literally nothing. Happy birthday to me! I give up!

Next year I think I will call in sick and not tell anyone and just go hide somewhere and get lost in a book until it is another day. After all, hopefully tomorrow will be better...but of course it will, because it will no longer be my birthday! Because after all, my birthdays suck.