Sunglasses

Things have been a struggle lately. I feel like I'm fighting to stay alive treading water with all I've got and drowning all at the same time. When I don't talk about it, I'm called out for saying I'm ok when I am obviously not. When I'm open about how I'm feeling I'm told that it isn't the way I see it to be or I'm over reacting or you must be tired, go to bed and you will feel better in the morning. Which to some extent works because it allows time for the metaphorical and sometimes actual sunglasses these days to get themselves in place. I have always believed that eyes are windows to the soul. With sunglasses you can't see what is inside. It allows me to hide away how I really feel and "pretend" I've figured it all out in my head. I haven't. I'm lying! See that I'm lying! I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm jealous as hell about everything and everyone, I'm lonely, I'm exhausted, I'm ready to give up but in the same breath I want to keep trying because there are so many things that make it SOOO worth it! I got in trouble the last time I allowed myself to sever into two like this, the real me and the me people want to see. If I remember correctly it was just after the miscarriage when we lost the baby at 8 weeks. Severed to the extreme that my doc called it borderline PTSD. I fear we are headed back down that road, I see and feel myself spiraling but I can't make it stop and no one gets it or knows how to step in and bump me back on track. I don't recognize myself anymore. People don't seem to recognize me either. I've changed. Yes I have, but can't you see I'm trying to get out of this hole? No, it's easier just to believe I'm not the same and brush it off so that you don't have to deal with the messiness that is my reality at the moment. Apparently most of my friendships are that of convenience. When it works for them or things are great no problem. But when stuff gets real and gets hard they check out till I'm "normal" again. Which further encourages the severing process. I don't have enough friends to begin with to be able to manage losing the few I've got. And so, for now, I continue to hide. I keep my sunglasses close at hand, as I sever a little more each and every day...and with it goes a bit more of "me" with each slice...