Mom, who were you?

I only know what has been after...what was before? Who were you? What kind of mother were you? What did you think about talk about learn about when you were pregnant? What were you before? And why didn't you try harder to get better rather than to just let it eat you alive? Why do I have to lose because of it? How come I never got to know who you were? I found my way on my own. I'm a damn good mom. Without your input without your help. But I still lose because at the end of the day I'm still fighting it alone with no one to turn to as a resource. No one to meet with, laugh with, take mother daughter ski trips with during school vacations, no one to hit up for advice about how to be a mom to a child who is my walking copy, even if you were magically better now I couldn't have that because you weren't there for that. You were too wrapped in your own reality. I want a mom, not someone I adopt who might feel bad enough for me to let me, I want a real mom. One that holds my history and can relate to me now as an adult, a mother trying to make her way in the world too. But I won't ever have that....not really....and once again, I lose. Because you are now more of a child than I ever was.....I'm the responsible adult, I have had to be for as long as I can remember. I miss what never was....I ache for what will never be....and in the end I'm left feeling as if at the end of the day, no matter how hard I fight, I still lose...