Gosh I post a lot from my phone app. Apparently I have more to say to myself than I first thought. Isn't that some form of mental disorder that dr's medicate for? At least I don't seem to be arguing with myself and losing...yet. Time will tell. Maybe this blogging thing is good for me then again, maybe not. After all, it encourages me to talk to myself. And answer myself as well. The moment of truth should be determined soon...I don't think it's happening this month though. I'm not allowed to take a test yet. I don't think I have ever wanted something so bad in my life. My first two happened so easily, without even trying...service yesterday dragged some of that stuff up too. After my first up ending of the bottle I finally lost my composure from the whole day. I sobbed for all of the losses of late.
I broke down and told My Redneck Knight that he should hate me for not being able to keep hold of the baby. His main response was that this happens and he doesn't blame me and I shouldn't think that. I don't think he truly gets the depth of how much it hurts.
I don't think many people get the depth of my emotional response to things. How do you explain that it isn't over reacting per say but the fact that I truly feel everything that deep and don't have the coping skills to handle them. And then wonder why when I bottle stuff up. What the hell else am I supposed to do with it? My whole life I have fought this battle. My dad even said that when I was a baby during big holidays and stuff I would be inconsolable, crying for hours, just from the over stimulation or my absorbing everyone's energy or something. I'm beginning to think this is ingrained in me. It isn't some childish ploy to seek attention by turning everything into "the end of the world", I wish it were that simple. I feel all of it to such an extreme that it is nearly impossible to process! "Water off a ducks back" My dad used to always say. I don't know how! My feathers are lacking so much oil that it just sucks in EVERYTHING and then some!
Sometimes I think I care too much. Not even meds turn it off. It just numbs everything and makes it that much easier to bottle. Don't get me wrong my meds help with lots of other stuff. The anxiety, the mood swings, etc., but how does one not feel so deeply? I guess some might call it empathy on crack. I hate being judged for who I am. You don't like it? Can't handle the fact that I feel EVERYTHING in it's most extreme form? Then go. You wouldn't be the first. And likely not the last.
I guess that's the lonely path of the feeler. You win some, but you lose most. I'm so afraid that these extremes drive my world away. I'm afraid to be alone. I don't want to end up alone. Half the time even when I am not alone I still feel alone. Words can not express how empty I feel inside right now. I should be close to 12 weeks by now, showing and the works. But I'm not. Give it back dammit! Why can't I have it back?! Or give me another! Just give me another that is meant to stick!
Holy hell I'm all over the spectrum today. I'm not even sure how many topics I hit. I should go back and edit but I won't. I should care more about how it's formatted, but I don't.
Today has been a lonely day and it's my fault.
I broke down and told My Redneck Knight that he should hate me for not being able to keep hold of the baby. His main response was that this happens and he doesn't blame me and I shouldn't think that. I don't think he truly gets the depth of how much it hurts.
I don't think many people get the depth of my emotional response to things. How do you explain that it isn't over reacting per say but the fact that I truly feel everything that deep and don't have the coping skills to handle them. And then wonder why when I bottle stuff up. What the hell else am I supposed to do with it? My whole life I have fought this battle. My dad even said that when I was a baby during big holidays and stuff I would be inconsolable, crying for hours, just from the over stimulation or my absorbing everyone's energy or something. I'm beginning to think this is ingrained in me. It isn't some childish ploy to seek attention by turning everything into "the end of the world", I wish it were that simple. I feel all of it to such an extreme that it is nearly impossible to process! "Water off a ducks back" My dad used to always say. I don't know how! My feathers are lacking so much oil that it just sucks in EVERYTHING and then some!
Sometimes I think I care too much. Not even meds turn it off. It just numbs everything and makes it that much easier to bottle. Don't get me wrong my meds help with lots of other stuff. The anxiety, the mood swings, etc., but how does one not feel so deeply? I guess some might call it empathy on crack. I hate being judged for who I am. You don't like it? Can't handle the fact that I feel EVERYTHING in it's most extreme form? Then go. You wouldn't be the first. And likely not the last.
I guess that's the lonely path of the feeler. You win some, but you lose most. I'm so afraid that these extremes drive my world away. I'm afraid to be alone. I don't want to end up alone. Half the time even when I am not alone I still feel alone. Words can not express how empty I feel inside right now. I should be close to 12 weeks by now, showing and the works. But I'm not. Give it back dammit! Why can't I have it back?! Or give me another! Just give me another that is meant to stick!
Holy hell I'm all over the spectrum today. I'm not even sure how many topics I hit. I should go back and edit but I won't. I should care more about how it's formatted, but I don't.
Today has been a lonely day and it's my fault.
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